Excellent! Roark Capital Sinks Claws Into Dave's Hot Chicken Empire!

A Delicious Acquisition

Smithers fetch my monocle! It seems that Roark Capital a firm of considerable… assets has decided to snatch up a controlling interest in Dave's Hot Chicken. A billion dollars you say? Excellent! Perhaps I should invest; a man can never have too much wealth. After all a fool and his money are soon parted and I'm certainly no fool. Unless of course you count my ill fated attempt to corner the popsicle stick market. Oh the humiliation!

Hatching a Plan for Global Domination

This Dave's Hot Chicken apparently born from a parking lot (the audacity!) has spread like a particularly virulent strain of the flu. More than 300 locations! Sales soaring! It's simply outrageous! But perhaps I can harness this… 'chicken fever' for my own nefarious purposes. Smithers remind me to look into acquiring the company myself. We'll call it "Burns' Birds of Prey," and the logo will feature me in a feathered headdress cackling maniacally. It's all coming together quite nicely.

Spicy Schemes and Fiery Finances

Apparently these young whippersnappers are seeking 'more heat' in their food. 'Reaper' level spice requiring a waiver? Preposterous! Back in my day we ate bland gruel and were grateful for it! Still one must adapt. Perhaps I'll introduce a 'Burns' Inferno' chicken tender so spicy it spontaneously combusts upon contact with the tongue. It will be the perfect… profit center generating revenue and thinning the herd simultaneously. A truly elegant solution.

From Pretzels to Poultry a Golden Touch

This Phelps fellow previously of Wetzel's Pretzels seems to have a knack for turning common carbohydrates into piles of cash. Remarkable! Perhaps I should poach him for the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Imagine the possibilities! Radioactive pretzels glowing doughnuts all infused with the sweet sweet scent of… well radiation. Oh the possibilities are endless Smithers!

A Billion Dollar Bird with Room to Fly

They say Dave's could reach 4,000 locations worldwide in the next decade. Preposterous! Still this Roark fellow sees potential and I trust his judgment… mostly. He's not quite as ruthless as I am but he's got a certain… spark. Perhaps a partnership is in order. We could conquer the world one spicy chicken tender at a time! Mwuhahaha!

Bonuses for the Minions? Bah Humbug!

Bonuses for the employees? Millionaires made from profits? Utter poppycock! Why back in my day a nickel was a dime and employees were grateful for the privilege of breathing the same air as their employer. This modern… generosity is simply appalling. Still I suppose a happy worker is a productive worker. Maybe. But don't expect any handouts from me you lazy oafs! Get back to work!