Excellent! Dick's Sporting Goods Forecasts Profits That Won't Leave Me Crying 'Release My Hounds'

A Sporting Chance for Profit!

Good heavens it appears Dick's Sporting Goods anticipates keeping their coffers nicely padded this year. CEO Lauren Hobart a woman who seems to know the value of a well placed decimal expects earnings per share between $13.80 and $14.40. 'Excellent!' as I always say when my investments aren't plummeting faster than Smithers trying to impress me at the company picnic. Revenue too is predicted to be in the billions. Billions I say! Enough to keep me in rhino milk and exotic birdseed for years!

Those Pesky Tariffs!

They're standing firm despite those bothersome tariffs you see. Tariffs! A word that strikes fear into the hearts of those who don't simply pass the cost onto the little people. But fear not my fellow plutocrats Dick's assures us they've factored it all in. It’s all part of their strategy and operational strength apparently. I must remember to add 'operational strength' to my list of qualities I demand in a new lackey. Smithers write that down!

Numbers That Tickle My Fancy

First quarter earnings? A respectable $3.37 per share adjusted of course. And revenue? $3.17 billion. Up 5% from last year! That's enough to fund a whole new fleet of... well things I don't need but certainly desire. Like a solid gold pogo stick. Yes that's the ticket!

Foot Locker Acquisition? Release the Lawyers!

Ah the acquisition of Foot Locker. A bold move I must say. Like buying the lemonade stand across the street just to shut it down. It's a risky venture acquiring a business that's been struggling but it does allow them to venture into international markets. International markets! The possibilities for exploitation are simply endless! Mwah ha ha!

A Risky Business Deal

The markets' reaction? A mixed bag naturally. Foot Locker's shares soared while Dick's fell a bit. It's like a seesaw of financial uncertainty! But fear not they expect cost synergies of $100 to $125 million. 'Synergies'! A corporate buzzword that means 'we'll be firing people soon'. Excellent!

In Conclusion: More Money For Me!

So there you have it. Dick's Sporting Goods is holding steady acquiring businesses and generally keeping the money flowing... hopefully in my direction. As for the workers well as I always say 'Are you quite sure you can lift that Smithers?' Onwards and upwards to more profits and fewer employee benefits! Mwah ha ha!