Chipotle is DYING! Are We Gonna Have to Eat Somewhere Else?!

Chipotle's Having a BAD Time Dude

Alright alright settle down chat. We got some REAL news here. Chipotle yeah the place where we spend half our paycheck on burritos the size of my head just reported some WEAK numbers. Apparently their same store sales went DOWN for the first time since 2020. 2020! That was like the peak of all things terrible! What's next the Blizzard stock price going up? This is nuts. This is actually nuts man. It's like the simulation is breaking.

Blame the Weather? Blame the ECONOMY!

According to the suits over there at Chipotle HQ it's all because of the weather and 'slowed consumer spending.' Weather? Really? Guys I eat Chipotle in ANY weather. Blizzard sunshine torrential downpour doesn't matter! Maybe people just realized that for fifteen bucks you can get a BETTER burrito somewhere else. The ECONOMY man! Everything is so expensive these days... Thanks Biden!

Numbers Don't Lie (Unless You're an Accountant)

Okay let's get into the nitty gritty. They were expecting $2.95 billion in revenue and only pulled in $2.88 billion. Earnings per share were a measly 29 cents! I find more than that digging in my couch cushions! And get this: restaurant transactions FELL by 2.3%. That means fewer people are lining up for that sweet sweet guac. Sadge.

Hopium Overdose

But don't worry says CEO Scott Boatwright. He's 'confident' they'll be back to positive traffic in the second half of the year. Yeah yeah I've heard that before. It's always 'next quarter' with these guys. It's like Blizzard saying Diablo Immortal is good or Overwatch 2 is fun. A bunch of cope!

More Chipotles? More Problems!

And they're planning on opening hundreds of new locations? Listen Chipotle maybe focus on fixing the ones you ALREADY have! I went to one the other day and it was like a scene from Mad Max. Trash everywhere flies buzzing around... it was a complete and utter DISASTER! But they gotta think about them shareholder profits I guess. It's always about the MONEY!

The Bald Man's Curse?

So what does all this mean? Is Chipotle doomed? Are we gonna have to go back to eating... GASP... Taco Bell?! (I threw up in my mouth a little). I don't know chat. But one thing's for sure: the world is a dark and scary place. And maybe just maybe it's all my fault. Maybe my baldness is causing some sort of economic collapse. Maybe the problem is me dude... What do you think is it time to panic? Let me know in the comments!