Wubba Lubba Dub-Dub! New Stellantis CEO Tries Not to Screw Everything Up!

Mediocrity? I Barely Know Her!

Alright listen up Morty and all you other corporate shills. This new Stellantis CEO Antonio Filosa he's apparently all about not being mediocre. Big whoop. Says it's 'not worth the trip.' Reminds me of when I tried to take Morty to Booger World. Wasn't worth the trip either. Anyway this Filosa guy he’s trying to fill the shoes of Sergio Marchionne who I guess wasn’t completely useless. Died a few years back before Stellantis became the unholy amalgamation it is today. Jeep Ram Fiat Chrysler – it's like a car company Voltron and Voltron was kinda dumb Morty. Kinda dumb.

From Paint Shop to Boss Man: A Real Life Corporate Ladder... or a Snake?

So Filosa started as a night shift paint shop supervisor in Spain. Spain Morty! Land of siestas and questionable paella. Twenty five years this guy's been climbing the corporate ladder. That's like five interdimensional cable seasons! Apparently everyone keeps yapping about his 'connection' to Marchionne. Sounds like corporate Stockholm Syndrome to me Morty. He needs to 'channel' Marchionne to fix the mess left by the last guy Carlos Tavares. Tavares they say focused too much on cost cuts. Yeah well maybe he should've focused on not sucking. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub! I am in great pain.

Dealer's Choice: Mending Fences or Just Re Painting the Birdhouse?

Oh and get this Morty. Filosa's gotta 'mend bonds' with dealers politicians and employees. Sounds like a real Jerry level problem Morty. The dealers are pissed the employees are distraught from cuts and layoffs and the Politicians…well they're always pissed. Apparently Stellantis sales are in the toilet. Down 12.3% globally. Down 27% in the US! They’re falling from fourth to sixth place like some pathetic olympic loser. Filosa needs to 'grow retail market share.' Good luck with that buddy. Maybe try selling cars that don't look like they were designed by a committee of drunk Meeseeks.

Electrified? More Like Electri Fried!

And of course the big buzzword: 'electrified' models. Hybrids and EVs oh my! Filosa says the 'pace and speed' of the electric vehicle transition needs to be 'slightly reassessed.' Translation: They're probably screwed. This guy knows he has a 'multitask challenge.' No duh Sherlock! It's like trying to juggle chainsaws while riding a unicycle on the back of a Gromflomite. Speaking of Gromflomites… I gotta grab some Blips and Chitz coupons for my next adventure with Morty. You know to keep him busy and get him out of my hair while I do something important like saving the universe. Or watching interdimensional TV. Whatever pays the bills.

A 'Logical Choice'? Or Just the Least Offensive Corporate Drone?

They call Filosa's appointment a 'logical choice.' Sounds boring. Like watching grass grow. Even Jerry wouldn't watch that. Tavares the old CEO even gave his seal of approval saying he hopes Filosa is 'properly supported by the board.' Translation: 'Good luck cleaning up my mess sucker!' Filosa's been visiting plants in the US Canada and Europe. Trying to schmooze the masses I guess. He says Stellantis is in his 'blood.' Probably the same blood that's coursing through the veins of every other soulless corporation. But some executives describe Filosa as an “Engaging Leader” yeah right that's like describing me as a "responsible grandfather." He's got a lot of work to do Morty or were all gonna have to move to another reality.

Investor Confidence: Lower Than My Opinion of Morty's Life Choices

Of course investors are thrilled! Or not. Stellantis stock actually went down when Filosa was announced. Because the world is a cold and unforgiving place Morty! He doesn't have the 'CEO prowess' of his predecessors. Translation: He's not as good at lying to investors. UBS analyst says his interaction with the financial community has been 'limited.' Probably because he actually has to work for a living. Anyway time will tell if Filosa can pull a rabbit out of his hat or if Stellantis will just become another cautionary tale in the annals of corporate screw ups. Me? I'm betting on screw ups. It's just more entertaining that way. Gotta go Morty. I’m gonna build a device that replaces the need for a CEO or maybe one that causes global chaos depending on my mood.