Elon's Robo-Ride: Tesla Delivers Driverless Dreams (and Maybe Some Nightmares) in Texas

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub It's a Self Driving Tesla!

Alright folks listen up. Rick here back from another dimension where the only cars are powered by concentrated dark matter and existential angst. Seems our boy Elon bless his heart (and his bank account) pulled a fast one. Claims Tesla just did the 'first fully autonomous delivery' of a Model Y in Austin. No driver no remote control just pure unadulterated probably gonna crash into a mailbox freedom. First of all it is as fake as my fake ID to get into interdimensional clubs. He already has been caught doing it before. Second what about Waymo? Are we just gonna forget about them already? They have been doing it since 2024! The whole thing smells fishier than a Mr. Meeseeks convention after a tuna melt eating contest. But hey who am I to judge? I once built a car powered by batteries Morty's farts and a healthy dose of nihilism.

Full Self Driving? More Like Full Self Delusion!

So here's the deal. Tesla's website CLEARLY states that their 'Full Self Driving (Supervised)' requires you the squishy human to keep your mitts on the wheel and be ready to slam on the brakes at any moment. Sounds 'fully autonomous' to you? Me neither. It is even funnier because I know how it works it has a lot of human in the loop systems so it is not even close to a real full self driving system. This is the equivalent of Morty thinking he's a genius because he can spell 'banana.' Meanwhile this Model Y is cruising around Austin like it's auditioning for 'Mad Max: Fury Road,' without a soul inside. I can only imagine the bugs and weird edge cases it can have. It is clear that this thing is a time bomb!

Red Curb Alert! Because Safety is for Mortys

Of course the delivery happened next to a RED CURB. Yeah that's right a NO STOP FIRE LANE. Real smooth Tesla. Real smooth. It's like they're actively trying to prove Darwinism is still a thing. I am surprised the car did not crashed! Maybe that is because it had a ghost driver. You know like in that movie with Patrick Swayze where he gets his consciousness uploaded to a car. The problem with AI is that is not sentient and lacks the capacity to decide. So as I always say be careful what you wish for!

Déjà Vu All Over Again (Thanks NHTSA!)

Remember that 'Paint It Black' video from 2016? Yeah the one where Tesla totally exaggerated their self driving capabilities? Turns out staging things for PR is a timeless classic. Thankfully the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) is sniffing around probably because they're tired of cleaning up Tesla related messes. They're investigating possible safety defects. Good. Someone has to keep an eye on these things before we end up with robotaxis armed with lasers and a vendetta against squirrels.

The Robotaxi Revolution? More Like the Robotaxi Clusterf*ck

Musk's been promising robotaxis since what the Stone Age? He even convinced a bunch of suckers (sorry 'investors') to throw billions at his dream. Now he is launching a 'pilot program' in Austin but is a total sham because it runs with a human safety supervisor. What about Tesla owners adding their car to a Tesla shared fleet and making money while they sleep? Still waiting Elon. Still waiting. Look I am all for progress but this thing will end up as a total mess. Believe me you do not want an AI deciding what to do with you and your time. You are gonna get schwifty and quick!

Political Backlash: When Reality Bites Harder Than a Szechuan Sauce Drought

But here's the kicker: Tesla's sales are tanking in Europe because Musk can't keep his yap shut about politics. Endorsing far right parties? Cozying up to the Trump administration? Not a good look buddy. Turns out people don't like their cars being associated with hate and stupidity. Who knew? And with Chinese EV makers like BYD and Xiaomi nipping at their heels Tesla might just find itself in a pickle. A pickle Rick! Wait no not that pickle. I do not want to be inside another pickle again... that was nasty!