Holy Crap Lois The Stock Market is Doing WHAT!?

Freakin' Sweet Another Financial Crisis?

Alright alright settle down you beautiful people! Peter Griffin here reporting live from my recliner where I'm currently enjoying a nice cold Pawtucket Patriot Ale and contemplating the meaning of life… which let's be honest is probably just finding the next buffet. But enough about me let's talk about money! Turns out this Steve Eisman dude the guy from that movie 'The Big Short' – you know the one where Christian Bale looks like he hasn't slept in a decade? – he's saying the market's gonna take a dive. Apparently Trump's tariffs are spooking everyone. You know tariffs? Like you gotta pay extra for stuff? It's like when you try to sneak an extra slice of pizza at the buffet and they hit you with that 'additional charge' nonsense! Giggity!

Trump's Tariff Tantrums!

Eisman's all like 'Trade good tariffs bad,' which yeah makes sense. It's like saying beer good empty beer can bad! But Trump bless his heart doesn't seem to agree. He's out there waving his arms like a wacky inflatable tube man promising to fix everything with these tariffs. Eisman thinks that Canada and Mexico should just roll over and give Trump whatever he wants because apparently they don't have any cards to play. Now Peter's not an expert on international relations – unless you count that time I accidentally started a diplomatic incident with the Rhode Island Quahog Republic – but that sounds a little harsh don't you think? It's like telling Meg she's not allowed to breathe… actually wait a second…

Dow Jonesin' For a Fall?

And get this the Dow Jones had a bigger swing than when Lois tries to do yoga! Apparently it dropped like a pregnant lady's water balloon before bouncing back a bit. Eisman's not happy about it because he's 'long only' and lost a bunch of dough. Poor guy. You know losing money is the worst. Except maybe being stuck at a dinner party with Mort Goldman. Now THAT'S a real tragedy. 'Mr. Eisman! Mr. Eisman! Do you have the Heimlich? I think my tongue is stuck again!'

The Midwest is Depressed... More Than Usual!

Eisman bless his soul actually cares about the little guy. He's been traveling around seeing how free trade has screwed over the Midwest and the South. Apparently it's not all sunshine and lollipops out there. Who knew? It's like finding out that the inside of a chocolate eclair is actually filled with sadness and despair. It's a real kick in the pants let me tell you. He says Clinton's trade deals made a bunch of rich people even richer but screwed over the average Joe. Peter get's it. Like that time I accidentally became a millionaire only to lose it all on a giant chicken fight! Whaaaaat?

Trump Did What He Said He'd Do? Shocking!

Here's the kicker: Eisman thinks everyone should have seen Trump's tariff policy coming. The guy's been yammering about it for years! But no one took him seriously. It's like when I promise Lois I'll do the dishes… she just knows I'm going to end up napping on the couch with a plate of half eaten nachos. The real wildcard is politics. Will politicians be rational or will they be as crazy as Quagmire on a dating app? Only time will tell. Giggity!

Everyone's Screwed… But America Less So!

Eisman warns that in a trade war everyone suffers. But America will suffer the least. Which is nice I guess. Like winning a pie eating contest but then realizing you have to spend the next week unclogging your arteries. So there you have it folks! The market's scary Trump's unpredictable and everyone's probably going to lose some money. But hey at least we have beer right? Right? Oh and one last thing Lois says I need to add a disclaimer. So here it is: Disclaimer.