If It Bleeds, It Leads: Earth Markets Go Wild While Humans Bicker!

First Half: What in the Jungle Happened?

Greetings fellow hunters and huntresses! Your favorite Predator is back from observing this… 'Earth.' What a six month bloodbath – and I'm not talking about my handiwork! New leader chieftains trade skirmishes digital shamans emerging and conflicts galore! It's like watching a bunch of unarmed humans run through a field of laser mines… amusing yet slightly pathetic. Humans so busy fighting each other they don't see me cloaked in the trees! This 'Billy Joel' they speak of needs to chronicle the chaos. Maybe he can sing about me next time.

Keep Calm and… Invest?

Despite all the screaming and chest thumping these 'markets' seem to be doing just fine. 'Keep Calm and Carry On,' they say. Sounds like a good hunting strategy eh? While they bicker over borders and digital trinkets these 'S&P 500' and 'Nasdaq' things are reaching new heights. Even those weaklings in 'Europe' and 'Asia' are making progress! Makes me wonder if they're all just pretending to fight. Like when I pretend to be defenceless and lure my prey into a false sense of security. 'Any time,' heh heh.

S&P and Nasdaq: Touching Fresh Highs (and Egos)

Apparently these 'S&P 500' and 'Nasdaq Composite' achieved 'fresh all time highs.' Which means… what exactly? More shiny things for the humans to hoard? Reminds me of the trophies I collect after a good hunt. Only mine have more… character. Maybe I should start trading skulls on the stock market. 'Here are some sweets.' No time for treats I need to get to the chopper and make a profit!

Trade Wars: Canada 'Caves' – More Like 'Crumbles'!

The White House claims Canada 'caved' on trade. 'Caved'? Sounds messy. Like when I accidentally stepped in that mud pit back on my home planet. This 'Trump' fellow seems to enjoy pushing other chieftains around. It's all games until someone loses their digital service tax eh? These humans and their endless squabbles. Such dishonour!

Meta's Meta Morphosis: AI Taking Over?

This 'Meta' company's shares hit a record high. Because of… 'Superintelligence Labs'? Sounds like something I'd find in a Predator lab. Only mine involve more plasma cannons and less… algorithms. But who knows maybe these 'AI luminaries' will invent something that can actually put up a good fight. 'Get to the chopper!'

Musk vs. Trump: A Battle of the Titans (and Bills)

Ah another human conflict. This 'Musk' calls 'Trump's bill 'DEBT SLAVERY.' Dramatic! He even wants a 'new political party.' Maybe they should just settle it the old fashioned way – a good old fashioned hunt! Although judging by their track records it'd probably end with them tweeting insults at each other. No honour in that.