Waking Up the Genius: Mr. Bean's Guide to Raising Brilliant Children (Without Losing Your Marbles!)

Bean's Big Discovery: It's All About the Happy Thoughts!

Right then! Apparently if you want your little sprogs to become well not like me exactly (ahem!) but successful types you need to fill their heads with... optimism! Yes like when I try to paint my flat with fireworks. Always a good idea right? These 'experts' say you can give them all the fancy schools and books but if they think the world is a big soggy biscuit they won't go anywhere! 'All things are possible,' one mum said. Just like it's possible for me to win the lottery. I just need to buy a ticket...eventually.

Know Your Noodle: Bean's Guide to Personalized Prodding

Now this is where it gets tricky. You can't just tell them to do something boring like maths because it's 'good for them.' Oh no! That's like telling Teddy to clean my car – never going to happen willingly. Instead you need to trick... I mean *motivate* them! If they want to be a footballer tell them they need to understand money. It's a bit like when I convinced Irma to like brussel sprouts using a complicated system with candles and a puppet show. Worked a treat! (For about five minutes.)

Bean's Museum of Mayhem: Learning in Unexpected Places!

Apparently kids are smarter than we think! Like that time I 'fixed' the electricity meter...almost. These scientists put little tykes in hockey gear and guess what? They figured it out! Without someone like me ‘helping’! Apparently we should just let them get on with it and learn from their mistakes. So next time I see a child struggling to open a biscuit packet I'll just... watch. From a distance. With a cup of tea. Maybe. This woman even keeps all her plastic cups on the floor for the grandchildren to serve themselves. It's a bit like my car. Everything on the floor within easy reach. Genius I tell you!

The Joy of Jiggling Knowledge: It's Not About the Grind!

Hard work? Pah! These fancy pants psychologists now say it's all about loving learning! Like my love for sandwiches. A deep passionate love! And how do you do that? Apparently travel is one way! It's like that time I went to the beach. Sun sea sand... and a very unfortunate incident with a deckchair. These 'Emanuel Brothers' (whoever they are) had a dad who forced them to travel. I remember the parents of a family I interviewed saved up all year for a big trip. Saved so much that they brought all their snacks. What a clever idea!

Bean's Guide to Love Not Lectures!

The secret ingredient? Looove! Not shouting or bossing. Just letting them... be! Like my relationship with Teddy. Pure unconditional love...except when he goes missing. There was this lady I spoke to Diane and her mother knew how to watch her dance without being a pain. You have to expose them to options but then stay away. It's like when I tried to cook a turkey in my apartment and nearly burned down the house – letting go letting things cook for themselves. And no one will burn their house down.

Final Bean Thought

So there you have it! My guide to raising successful kids. Fill their heads with sunshine let them make a mess and try not to interfere too much. And most importantly remember if all else fails blame it on Teddy! Right now where did I put that rubber chicken...