Holy Databricks! One BILLION Dollars?! Jackie Chan Reacts to the Tech World's Latest Kung Fu Move!

Waah! Databricks Does a Big Punch!

Hey hey hey! It's Jackie! So I hear Databricks these data ninja guys they just bought Neon for a BILLION dollars! One BILLION! That's like... a million 'Rush Hour' sequels! It's more money than I've broken bones and that's saying something! They're collecting companies like I collect… well everything really. Remember what I always say? 'Don't be afraid to make mistakes.' Databricks is definitely not afraid to make BIG moves even if it means a few bruises along the way.

Open Source is the Secret Weapon

This Neon company apparently is all about open source. That’s like sharing my best stunts! Everyone can use them but hopefully they don’t hurt themselves. They say Neon is an alternative to Amazon's database. A David and Goliath fight! And you know me I always root for the underdog… unless the Goliath is offering me a role in their movie. Then well maybe I'll reconsider! Haha! But seriously open source is important. It's like teamwork – everyone contributes everyone benefits.

PostgreSQL: Older Than My Stunt Double!

PostgreSQL this database they're using is from the 1980s! The 80s! That’s older than some of my stunt doubles! But you know what they say 'Sometimes it takes a spark to light a fire.' Seems this old database is still sparking a lot of interest. There’s even this Supabase company using it for 'vibe coding' whatever that means sounds like something from a new movie right? Maybe I'll be in it!

Microsoft and Google Want In Too!

Even the big bosses at Microsoft and Google want a piece of this PostgreSQL pie! It's like everyone's fighting over the last dumpling! Speaking of dumplings maybe I should open a database restaurant. 'Jackie Chan's Data Dumplings'! We'd have cloud shaped dumplings AI flavored noodles… Okay maybe not. I stick to acting and accidentally almost dying on set. But hey the competition is good! Makes everyone stronger like training at the Peking Opera School!

Neon's Boss: From Meta to Making Moves

So this Neon boss Nikita Shamgunov he used to be at Meta and Microsoft! He's like a tech ninja jumping from one company to another. And now he's got a billion dollar payday! I bet he's celebrating with a big bowl of noodles! Remember 'You must use your opponent's strength against him.' This guy clearly knows how to play the game. Maybe he can teach me how to use social media… I'm still figuring out these 'hashtags.'

Databricks: Ready to Rumble!

Databricks says they're using this money for acquisitions. They're on a shopping spree! Like me at a… well any store really. But seriously this is big. They're cleaning up data running AI... They're like the ultimate data janitors! And now they've added Neon to their arsenal. Watch out tech world! Databricks is ready to rumble! I may not understand all the technical jargon but one thing is clear: this is exciting! And you know what I always say? 'I do things my way.' Databricks is definitely doing things *their* way!