India's Tariff Throne: Are They About to Give It Away Like a Dodgy Kebab?

Bloody Hell What's This Tariff Tango?

Right listen up you lot! CNBC's 'Inside India' newsletter is blathering on about tariffs. Seems like that Donald Trump geezer the 'Tariff King' as he likes to call it has rattled India's cage. They're now considering ZERO tariffs on steel car bits and pharmaceuticals from the US! Zero! It's like offering a Michelin star meal for the price of a bloody burger van. What is this madness?

17%? Are You Taking the Piss?

India's been slapping hefty import duties on everything from tractors to tech like a bloody overzealous bouncer at a nightclub. Their average tariff is 17%! Compared to the US's measly 3.3% it's like comparing a vindaloo to a bowl of rice pudding. But now after Trump threatened 26% tariffs on Indian exports – suspended thankfully – they're rethinking this protectionist bollocks. Good. About time they stopped acting like they're the only spice merchant in the market.

Growth from 6% to 8 9%? More Like a Pipe Dream!

Some economist from TS Lombard a Shumita Deveshwar or something reckons India needs foreign investment and a global market to jump from a 6% to 8 9% growth. Well no bloody duh! It's like saying a restaurant needs customers to survive. Loosening the grip on protectionism is crucial but if you need a deal that bad you will end up like one of those guys at the counter ordering at 3 AM in the morning. You F***ed!!

Zero Tariffs? Is That Like Selling the Silverware?

The question is where does that leave Indian manufacturing? Deveshwar says they'll be careful not to harm domestic businesses. Careful? Careful is putting a damp cloth on a grease fire! This zero tariff idea is ambitious and frankly sounds like something a sous chef would come up with after one too many shandies. But you just did and you are going to get grilled!

Steel Pharma and Autos: A Recipe for Disaster or Mild Discomfort?

Apparently some portfolio manager at Matthews Asia a Peeyush Mittal doesn't see a huge impact on steel pharmaceuticals or auto parts. He says exporting US steel to India is a 'money losing proposition' due to transport costs. Well maybe. But you never know do you? As for pharmaceuticals he reckons the pricey US drugs are only for the 'ultra wealthy'. Good. Let them choke on their caviar while the rest of us eat properly!

Winners and Losers: Who's Getting Served a Michelin Star and Who's Getting the Scrapings?

Global X's Dorson is betting on financials materials and healthcare if a deal happens. Logistics companies should do well too. But even if there isn't a deal consultancy giants like Tata Consultancy Services and Infosys are set to thrive as they focus on services. So it's not all doom and gloom you panini heads! As for consumer staples Mittal reckons it's 'the place to be'. Well I'd rather be in a three star Michelin restaurant but each to their own. Now get out and get to work!