Bloody Hell! UK Treasury's Spending Review: Who's Getting Skewered?

This Budget is Raw!

Right listen up you lot! The UK Treasury is about to unleash its 'Spending Review,' and frankly it's got me sweating more than a donkey in a sauna. We're talking about where the bloody money goes for the next few years – schools police hospitals... the whole shebang. And let me tell you someone's about to get a right earful. They're deciding who gets the lobster thermidor and who's stuck with a stale fish finger. I mean come on! This is Britain not some third rate bloody country!

Defense is Getting the Filet Mignon But Where's the Lamb Sauce?

So we already know Defense Transport and Health are getting a bit of extra love. Fine whatever. But that means someone else is getting shafted harder than a lamb through a rotisserie. I'm hearing whispers about the poor sods in policing affordable housing and the environment getting squeezed. Squeezed I tell you! They'll be serving up beans on toast while the top brass are scoffing caviar. Where's the bloody balance eh? It's like trying to make a soufflé with week old eggs – utterly pointless!

Negotiations Were a Bloody Nightmare!

Apparently Finance Minister Rachel Reeves has been having a barney with every other minister trying to get their mitts on more dosh. Negotiations are FINALLY over thank goodness. Apparently they were focused on “investing in Britain’s renewal.” It's all a load of bollocks isn't it? More like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic if you ask me. Stabilizing the economy they say? It's about as stable as my temper after someone sends back a perfectly cooked Wellington!

Someone's Getting F***ed!

The 'Institute for Government' (fancy name eh?) says disappointment is inevitable. Well duh! It's like saying I'm likely to swear at someone who serves me a raw scallop. Some departments are going to be left with scraps while others get the whole damn roast. 1.2% increase in spending? That's a pittance! After health childcare and defense take their cut everyone else is left fighting over the crumbs. Bloody ridiculous!

Reeves' Fiscal Rules: More Like Fiscal Fairy Tales!

Reeves has these 'fiscal rules' she's banging on about – day to day spending must be met by tax revenues and debt has to fall. Sounds great on paper but she's left herself with less wiggle room than a microwaved sausage. Either she breaks her own rules hikes taxes (again!) or cuts spending further. It's like trying to bake a cake with no flour no sugar and a bloody broken oven. Utterly impossible!

Tax Hikes Inevitable? You Donkey!

Economists are already saying the government's plans won't drive the growth they're hoping for. Which means... you guessed it... more tax hikes! Andrew Hunter from Moody's Analytics reckons they're all but inevitable. The U.K.'s economic fortunes are about to go tits up. So buckle up folks because it's going to be a bumpy ride. And if you see me opening a soup kitchen you'll know things have really gone to hell in a handbasket!