Trump Slaps EU with 50% Tariff? Hold My Doge!

Tariff ic News!

Well well well looks like someone's been hitting the 'Truth Social' button harder than I hit the 'launch' button on a Falcon Heavy. Trump's proposing a 50% tariff on the EU. 50%! That's like saying you're only going to use half of a Starship for your Mars mission. Ludicrous! Apparently the EU hasn't been playing nice in the sandbox and Trump's decided to unleash the tariff Kraken. Someone get the flamethrower this is gonna be wild.

Apple solutely Manufacturing Mad!

And if that wasn't enough he's also threatening Apple with a 25% tariff if they don't start cranking out iPhones right here in the good ol' US of A. I mean I get it. 'Merica! But let's be real Tim Cook's probably sweating more than a Cybertruck in a heatwave right now. Maybe they should just build a Gigafactory for iPhones? Call it iFactory? I'll workshop the name later.

Market Mayhem!

Predictably the stock market's doing the cha cha slide into the red. European markets are diving faster than a SpaceX booster after stage separation. It's like watching Dogecoin after I tweet about it! Volatility is the name of the game folks. Buckle up buttercups because this rollercoaster's just getting started.

EU: The Trade Villain?

Trump claims the EU is basically a giant vacuum cleaner sucking up all the US's money through unfair trade practices. Over $250 billion a year! That's enough to fund like three Mars colonies or maybe just one really really fancy Neuralink implant for everyone. The EU's apparently got trade barriers thicker than a Tesla's armor plating.

Negotiation Nonsense!

The Treasury Secretary's hoping this tariff threat will 'light a fire' under the EU. More like a flamethrower if you ask me. But hey a little friendly competition never hurt anyone right? Except maybe investors' portfolios. Let's see if U.S. Trade Representative Jamieson Greer can pull a rabbit out of his hat in the upcoming meeting with his European counterpart. Personally I am betting on Dogecoin's value hitting $1 before I see these tariffs disappear.

The Central Bank's Worst Nightmare!

Chicago Fed President Austan Goolsbee is worried about 'stagflation.' Slowing down output while raising prices? Sounds like the kind of problem you solve with a Boring Company tunnel and a whole lot of innovation. Time to disrupt the disruption am I right? Stay tuned folks. This is going to be more entertaining than watching a Tesla try to parallel park in downtown San Francisco.