Senate Dems Triggered! Accuse Me of Saving the World (and Maybe a Few Billion)

DOGE Days in DC?

Alright buckle up buttercups! So these Senate Democrats bless their cotton socks are clutching their pearls over my 'Department of Government Efficiency' – or DOGE as I cleverly call it. Apparently saving taxpayers' money by streamlining bureaucracy is now a crime? News to me! They're saying I'm leveraging my influence to... wait for it... *avoid financial liabilities.* As if I have time to worry about pocket change when I'm busy trying to colonize Mars and implant chips in brains. It's all part of the plan folks just like DOGE it may look like a meme but it is so much more.

Trump Derangement Syndrome: A Real Disease

This report cooked up by the Senate's Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations (PSI) – sounds ominous right? – claims that back in the day when Trump was just getting comfy in the Oval Office my companies were facing a whopping 65 regulatory and enforcement actions! To the tune of $2.37 billion! You know what I say? 'Reality is often disappointing.' But not this time. It's like they expect me to just roll over and pay up? Sorry not my style. We're talking about innovation here people! Pushing boundaries! And sometimes boundaries push back.

Tesla's Autopilot: Almost As Good As My Driving

Apparently Tesla is in hot water for allegedly misleading statements about Autopilot and self driving features. Look it's called *Autopilot* not *Idiotpilot*. If you're expecting it to make you a sandwich and file your taxes you're gonna be disappointed. But it's still way better than letting your grandpa drive. Speaking of driving have you seen the Cybertruck? It's like something out of Blade Runner if Blade Runner was designed by a toddler with a hammer.

Neuralink: Brain Chips and Puppy Love

Then there's Neuralink accused of making false statements about product risks and – gasp! – violating the Animal Welfare Act. Let me be clear: our animals are treated better than most humans these days. We're talking gourmet kibble state of the art scratching posts and unlimited access to YouTube cat videos. And as for the brain chips they're gonna be amazing! Imagine downloading new languages directly into your brain or playing video games with your mind. Take that slow learners!

Blumenthal's Bogus Bluster

Senator Richard Blumenthal the committee's ranking member has sent strongly worded letters to all my companies demanding info on pre Trump investigations and how we're keeping my 'government work' separate from these probes. Separate? They're all part of the same grand plan: make humanity a multi planetary species solve the energy crisis and maybe just maybe make a few bucks along the way. As my good friend Steven Cheung so eloquently put it Blumenthal is clearly suffering from a debilitating case of Trump Derangement Syndrome. Sad!

In Musk We Trust (Or Else)

So there you have it. Another day another conspiracy theory. But I say bring it on! The more they try to bring me down the higher I soar. I'm like a Tesla Roadster in space: unstoppable ridiculous and probably worth more than your entire house. And remember folks 'If you're not failing you're not innovating.' Now if you'll excuse me I have a rocket to launch and a brain to hack. To the moon (and beyond!)