Eat My Shorts, World! Israel vs. Iran: Financial Markets Go Haywire!

Ay Caramba! The World's Gone Nuts!

Okay so like Israel and Iran are having a major squabble. Airstrikes retaliations the whole shebang. And guess what? The financial markets are freaking out! It's like when Milhouse loses his glasses at Itchy & Scratchy Land – total chaos! Oil prices are jumping higher than Nelson when he's about to 'HA HA!' someone and gold is shining brighter than Lisa's saxophone. Even the dollar is getting all buff like when Homer tries to bulk up at the gym. But stocks? They're doing the opposite of Cowabunga man.

Don't Have a Cow Man! Stocks Take a Dive

So all this scary stuff makes the stock market go down like a rock and U.S. Stocks still looked resilent somehow but get this the grown ups were totally expecting it! They thought things would get all ugly and volatile. Seriously? It's like they WANTED things to be a mess! And it seems that the effect of the market reaction is dimming as the US futures ticked up on Monday while the dollar index and gold prices dipped. What a turnaround!

Four Days of Fighting? That's Just the Beginning!

These regional 'analysts' (whoever THEY are) say this is just the start of a never ending fight and I say this situation is 'Milhouse' levels of chaos! The real news is will the war get in the way of the next Krusty the Clown marathon? That's what really matters!

Eat My Shorts! Retail Sales are Booming!

While the world is imploding China's retail sales are going up! Like seriously? Even with all the chaos people are still buying stuff? What are they buying emergency donuts? Talk about being oblivious to the apocalypse! And some Taiwan trade authority added Huawei and SMIC to some blacklist. Serves them right for making devices that are probably inferior to Krusty Brand Cereal Premium Decoder!

Bart's Guide to Safe Haven Assets (According to Those Nerds)

So get this when things get hairy people run to 'safe haven assets'. I think that means shiny things like gold and also the dollar. But they dipped after the initial panic which make things boring again. But wait what about oil? Apparently it goes up too! The oil prices jumped as the conflict rises. So basically invest in gold dollars and oil. Got it? Good. Now where's my skateboard?

Boeing Boeing Gone! (Or at Least On Hold)

Some big shot at Boeing Kelly Ortberg had to cancel his trip to the Paris Air Show 'cause one of their Dreamliners crashed! First fatal air disaster they say. I bet that's gonna make it tougher to prank Skinner which is a real bummer.