Uber Boss Man Says 'Back to the Future... er Office!'
Ay caramba! So Uber's big cheese Dara Khosrowshahi – sounds like a villain from a really boring comic book right? – he's decided that 'good' ain't good enough anymore. Now we gotta be 'great'! And apparently 'great' means ditching your pajamas and heading back to the soul crushing commute three days a week. I bet he’s got a chauffeur; easy for him to say. Eat my shorts Khosrowshahi!
Anchor Days? More Like Anchor Chains!
Remember those 'anchor days,' Tuesdays and Thursdays? Well now they're throwing in Wednesday for good measure. It's like Principal Skinner adding another detention after you thought you were free! Even peeps who were chilling at home in their slippers approved for remote work and all are getting the boot back to the office. I can hear the collective groan from here. This is worse than when Milhouse’s parents grounded him for life!
Sabbatical? More Like Sabba CRITICAL!
And get this the man is raising the bar to take a sabbatical. You used to get a month off after five years? Pfft forget about it! Now you gotta slave away for EIGHT YEARS! That’s like three times as long as I've been alive! I bet he laughs maniacally while petting a white cat. No deal man!
Blame it on Remote Work (D'oh!)
Apparently this Khosrowshahi dude blames remote work for losing customers. Says nobody's taking Ubers to work anymore. Well maybe if Uber drivers weren't always getting lost or trying to charge me extra for Krusty Burgers people would still be using them! Just sayin'. D'oh!
Big Brother is Watching (Your Attendance)
So the Uber overlords are gonna be monitoring attendance. Like they're gonna be checking to see if you're actually at your desk pretending to work. I bet they've got cameras hidden in the water coolers. Ay caramba! This is more Orwellian than Grampa Simpson's conspiracy theories.
Revolt of the Cubicle Dwellers!
Word on the street is that Uber employees are rioting on the company's internal message boards. Complaining about the sabbatical change saying it's not 'doing the right thing.' Good for them! Maybe they should all call in sick and have a massive 'sick out' protest! That’ll show em don’t have a cow man!
Uber remote work office policy Dara Khosrowshahi sabbatical employee morale return to office work from home corporate culture tech industry
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josespu
How are they going to monitor attendance effectively?
gt1991
Anyone else updating their resume?
alcavuica
I'm going to start taking the bus, even if it takes twice as long.
tammyaacosta
Remote work was the only perk left!
xtremebytes
My productivity is way higher at home. This makes no sense.
procasher
This is such a bummer! My commute is gonna be a nightmare again.