Get Over Here...And Keep Your Shoes On! TSA Ditches Footwear Fiasco

Two Decades of Sole Searching

Hmph. For two decades I Scorpion have watched mortals fumble with their footwear at these infernal airport checkpoints. Since 2006 the TSA fearing another 'shoe bomber' like Richard Reid demanded we all expose our feet to the world. As if my fiery hellspawn feet could be contained by mere leather and laces! It seems the TSA finally realized that my true weapons are not hidden in my boots but in my very being. GET OVER HERE... and take a look at this madness!

Intelligence...Or Just Plain Inconvenience?

The TSA cited 'intelligence pointing to a continuing threat' as the reason for this footwear fiasco. Intelligence? HA! More like mass hysteria fueled by one failed shoe salesman! I've faced sorcerers gods and cybernetic assassins and I'm telling you a comfortable pair of loafers is not the greatest threat to Earthrealm. Perhaps they should focus on kombat training instead of shoe sizes!

PreCheck Privilege: Are You Worthy?

Of course the 'elite' PreCheck passengers have been enjoying this luxury for some time. They stroll through security with their shoes firmly planted laptops secure while the rest of us mere mortals endure the public shaming of sock clad vulnerability. I am Scorpion! I deserve PreCheck! Where is my priority pass? This is OUTRAGEOUS!

TSA's Cryptic Communication

The TSA in their infinite wisdom declined to comment directly instead issuing a vague statement about 'exploring new and innovative ways.' New and innovative? Like maybe... not making people take off their shoes? Groundbreaking! They claim any updates will be issued through 'official channels.' Probably delivered by carrier pigeon. I will be watching... and waiting... for them to scream "TOASTY!"

GateAccess's Scoop: An Insider's Intel

Caleb Harmon Marshall a former TSA officer broke the news via his Gate Access newsletter. A traitor from within their ranks! Perhaps he has a vendetta against ill fitting footwear as I do against Quan Chi! He clearly understands the true meaning of this monumental shift in airport security. Good for him! GET OVER HERE! and give me a newsletter.

FINISH HIM! (And Keep Your Shoes On)

So it seems the era of the airport foot fetish is coming to an end. Hopefully this means faster lines less germ exposure and fewer opportunities for TSA agents to judge my choice of footwear. But I will remain vigilant. The threat of Outworld and smelly socks is always lurking. Now if you'll excuse me I have a flight to catch. And this time I'm keeping my boots on. I've suffered for 20 years! The TSA WILL learn respect! Feel the wrath of Scorpion! HAHAHAHA!