Starbucks is Back Baby! Making Coffee Great Again!

Java the Hutt Has Left the Building

Okay folks let's be clear: Starbucks is about to go plaid! The news is buzzing about Starbucks' big turnaround and guess who's here to give you the real deal? Yours truly! It's about time Starbucks remembered its roots and stopped trying to be everything to everyone. I mean come on even Dogefather knows you gotta focus on what makes you great! Brian Niccol is trying to 'bring Starbucks back to Starbucks,' which frankly sounds like something I'd say while launching a rocket to Mars... 'Let's get back to basics people!' and that's exactly what Starbucks needs. More cozy seats less corporate jargon. Simple!

Return of the Seats!

Apparently Starbucks removed 30,000 seats from their locations. Thirty. Thousand. Seats! That's like removing the entire seating capacity of a small country! No wonder customers were grumpy. I mean where are they supposed to sit while contemplating the existential dread of a Monday morning? Now they're putting those seats back. About damn time! Sometimes you gotta undo the dumb things you did... kind of like that time I tweeted about the SEC. Lesson learned: seating is important! And maybe just maybe I should stick to tweeting about Dogecoin.

Employee Empowerment: Now With Extra Caffeine!

Here's the tea (or should I say coffee?): happy employees mean happy customers. Starbucks is finally giving its store managers more control and promoting from within. Like I always say 'talent is extremely important. It's like a rocket ship. If you don't have good people to put in the rocket ship and you don't have a good engine you're not going to get to orbit.' And these baristas are the rocket fuel of Starbucks! Giving them a voice is genius. It's like open sourcing your company's brainpower. Plus assistant managers? It's like adding a second stage to your rocket. More power baby!

The Schultz Effect: Still Kicking After All These Years

Howard Schultz. The OG. The man who turned coffee into a global empire. He's still got the magic touch even if he's not officially running the show. Apparently he did a cartwheel when he heard about the 'back to Starbucks' plan. A cartwheel! I gotta see that on video! Seriously though having his support is huge. It's like getting a thumbs up from Yoda. You know you're on the right path... now if only I could get him to invest in my Mars colony.

WiFi Password: 'backtostarbucks!'...Genius!

You know things are serious when the WiFi password becomes a company mantra. 'backtostarbucks!' It's catchy it's memorable and it's slightly desperate. But hey I've seen worse slogans. Remember 'Funding Secured'? Good times good times. This whole turnaround strategy is actually quite impressive. Retooling marketing improving staffing fixing the app... it's like rebuilding a rocket mid flight. Risky but potentially epic! It is like what the great Sir Isaac Newton said: “If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.”

Starbucks to the Moon! (Maybe)

So will Starbucks succeed? Hard to say. But Niccol seems to be making all the right moves. He's listening to employees he's fixing the customer experience and he's bringing back the soul of the company. Now if only he could start accepting Dogecoin... that would REALLY send Starbucks to the moon! All in all I see a bright future for this company and I may just have to buy me some Starbucks stock. Let's make coffee great again! Maybe Starbucks can join me on Mars!