Trump's 'Big, Beautiful Bill' Turns Out to Be a Big, Ugly Xenomorph: Ripley's Debt Nightmare

Another Day Another Monster... I Mean Bill

Alright people listen up. Remember me? Ellen Ripley? I've dealt with acid blooded aliens that could tear you limb from limb. And let me tell you this 'big beautiful bill' Trump's cooking up? It's giving me serious flashbacks to LV 426. The Congressional Budget Office (CBO) those bean counters are saying this thing's gonna add $2.4 trillion to the national debt over the next ten years. That's a lotta space travel folks and not the fun kind.

House Republicans? More Like Facehugger Republicans

So apparently the House Republicans already passed this monstrosity. Reduced federal revenues by $3.7 trillion lowered spending by $1.3 trillion. Sounds like they're trying to balance the books with smoke and mirrors. You know just like Weyland Yutani promising us a safe mission. Never trust the company and apparently never trust a bill labeled 'big and beautiful.' It's always a trap.

Senate Skirmish: 'Grotesque' and 'Immoral'? Tell Me Something I Don't Know!

Now the Senate's supposed to 'tweak' this thing. 'Tweak' it? Honey this needs a flamethrower. Senator Ron Johnson called it 'grotesque' and 'immoral.' Even Elon Musk the guy who thought slashing government was a bright idea thinks it's a 'disgusting abomination.' See? Even the space cowboys are running scared. It's like finding out the Nostromo's cat isn't the only thing with claws.

Musk's Fury: Even Space Billionaires Fear the Debt Xenomorph

Musk going against Trump?! Now I've seen everything. But hey it doesn't matter who's squawking the fact remains: this bill smells like an alien hive. Johnson wants to split the bill. Trump wants it all in 'one big beautiful bill' without any Democratic help. Sounds like he's trying to force feed us a facehugger disguised as apple pie.

CBO Under Attack: Blame the Messenger Not the Monster

Of course Trump's people are trying to trash the CBO's reputation. White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt said the CBO is 'historically wrong.' Yeah well so was thinking we could control the Xenomorphs! Blaming the people who crunch the numbers is like blaming the Nostromo's sensors for detecting the alien. It's not the sensor's fault there's a damn monster lurking!

July 4th Deadline: Just Another Colonial Day Massacre?

They want this thing on Trump's desk by July 4th. Freedom Day? More like Debt Day. Look I've been through this before. Rushing into things ignoring the warnings and thinking you're in control? That's how you end up with a chestburster. My advice? Someone nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.