Another Bug Hunt? Stellantis Names New CEO Amidst Trump Trade Wars and Falling Sales

Wake Up Hicks! A New Captain at the Helm

Alright people listen up. Remember when Burke was running the show? Yeah *that* went well. Now Stellantis – that's Jeep Dodge the whole shebang – they've got a new captain: Antonio Filosa. Seems their last guy Tavares pulled a disappearing act faster than a Xenomorph in hyperspace. Dropping profit and sales? What a surprise. It's always something with these suits.

Danger Will Robinson! Trade Wars Incoming

Turns out even a multi billion dollar car company ain't immune to political bug hunts. This Trump guy is playing tariff games and Stellantis is sweating bullets. They even pulled their financial forecasts. Smart move I guess. Better to be paranoid and survive than… well you know.

You Always Were An Optimistic B**** John

John Elkann the Executive Chairman – sounds important right? – he's laying it on thick about Filosa's 'deep understanding' and 'core strength.' Translation: 'We're desperate and this guy's got the least amount of corporate slime on him.' Let's see if he can actually drive the bus or if he's just another corporate android.

I Say We Take Off and Nuke the Entire Site From Orbit. It's the Only Way to Be Sure.

The stock's down 27%. Twenty freaking seven! That's worse than the atmospheric entry of the *Sulaco*. You know maybe nuking it *is* the only way to be sure. Except you know it's a car company not an alien hive. Though sometimes I wonder…

Another Beautiful Day in the Corps...Wait Corporation!

Filosa himself is all sunshine and rainbows calling it a 'great honor.' Sure pal. You're walking into a dumpster fire. But hey at least you get a fancy office and a corner parking space. Just try not to let the power go to your head like Burke did.

Game Over Man! Or Is It?

So here we are. New CEO old problems. Trade wars falling sales stock tanks. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. But hey I've seen worse. I've faced Xenomorphs corporate greed and questionable life choices. If I can survive that maybe Filosa can steer Stellantis out of this mess. But I'm not holding my breath. Just remember what I always say: 'Stay frosty.'