Eat My Shorts! Trump Advisor Says Buy Stocks?!

Don't Have a Cow Man! The Prez's Guy Says Buy!

Alright dudes and dudettes listen up! This guy Peter Navarro who's like Trump's brain or something when it comes to money is saying we should all be buying stocks! Can you believe it? He's all like 'Ninety deals in ninety days!' Sounds like a Krusty Burger promotion gone wild! He's saying Trump's tax cuts and these sweet trade deals are gonna make the market go totally bonkers in a good way. Cowabunga dude!

If You're Not Long You're Gonna Get Left Behind Doh!

So Navarro's basically saying 'If you're not in you're out!' Sounds like Springfield Elementary dodgeball! He's all about trusting Trump even when the market's doing the Bartman – you know kinda spastic and unpredictable. This whole thing is starting to sound like one of those infomercials Grandpa watches at 3 AM... except with more tariffs and less denture cream.

Paper Losses My Shiny Metal Ass!

Navarro's got this theory that if your stocks are down it's no biggie because it's just 'paper losses.' He's like 'If you don't sell you don't lose!' That's like saying if I don't look at my report card I didn't get a D minus in remedial math! Doesn't exactly make it true does it? And then he goes and takes a swipe at this Jamie Dimon dude. Seems like everyone wants a piece of everyone these days.

Jamie Dimon? More Like Jamie Dimwit Am I Right?

So this Dimon guy is worried about 'considerable turbulence' and 'trade wars.' Sounds like a headline from the Stonecutters meetings. Navarro's basically saying Dimon is making bank off the market chaos and we little guys should just chill. He'd rather see Mom and Pop Simpson rolling in dough than Dimon getting even richer! Eat my shorts Dimon!

Be Cool! This Is a Great Time to Buy... Or Is It?

Trump himself even jumped on the bandwagon tweeting 'BE COOL! THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO BUY!!!' I swear sometimes I think he's channeling my inner Bart Simpson. One day the market's up the next it's down. It's like a freakin' rollercoaster designed by Sideshow Bob! This is all getting a bit confusing don't you think?

Will We Hit 50,000 on the Dow? I Doubt It!

Navarro's got this wild idea that the Dow's gonna hit 50,000 by the end of Trump's term. That's about as likely as Milhouse becoming cool! But hey maybe I should invest all my lunch money... nah I'd rather buy a Squishee. Anyway the whole thing smells fishy to me so I'll just stick to prank calls and skateboard tricks. Doh!