United Airlines Flight Attendants Get a Gigafactory-Sized Raise!

Ludicrous Mode Activated for United Flight Attendants!

Alright alright alright! As some of you know I'm all about pushing boundaries be it rockets electric cars or free speech on X. But even I have to tip my hat to United Airlines for *finally* reaching a tentative agreement with their 28,000 flight attendants. It's about damn time! They've been grinding without a raise since 2020 which in my book is like trying to get to Mars on a pogo stick.

40%? That's Almost as Good as DogeCoin's Rise (Almost)!

The union is touting "40% of total economic improvements" in the first year. Forty percent! Now while that's not quite the x1000 gains we sometimes see in the crypto world (especially Doge woof woof!) it's still a damn good start. Throw in some retroactive pay a signing bonus and those sweet sweet quality of life improvements and you've got yourself a deal that might actually make people want to work instead of just dreaming of escaping to Mars.

No More 'On Call' Hell: Scheduling Gets a Software Update!

Better scheduling and on call time? Now we're talking. Let's face it nobody wants to be on standby waiting for the phone to ring like a SpaceX launch countdown that keeps getting delayed. A little predictability goes a long way and it sounds like United is finally taking steps to treat their flight attendants like the valuable assets they are not just glorified beverage dispensers. Still maybe one day robot butlers will take their place.

Strike Authorization? More Like a Gentle Nudge in the Right Direction

Remember that strike authorization vote last year? Sometimes you gotta show you're willing to play hardball to get results. It's like threatening to build a Cybertruck factory in Texas – sometimes you just need a little leverage to get things moving. Glad they didn't actually have to ground the planes.

The Last Major Carrier to Join the Party: Better Late Than Never United!

United was the last of the big U.S. airlines to strike a deal with their flight attendants. Took them long enough! They were probably too busy trying to figure out how to charge extra for oxygen. But hey at least they got there eventually. Now let's hope they can actually finalize the contract without any unnecessary drama. The flight attendants deserve some stability and a decent paycheck after all this time.

Next Stop: Ratification Vote! Don't Screw This Up Folks!

The deal still needs to be ratified by the flight attendants of course. So listen up United crew: make sure you read the fine print before you sign on the dotted line. And don't let United pull any fast ones during the contract finalization. You've earned this so don't let them take it away. Now if you'll excuse me I have a rocket to launch and a social media platform to save. Onward to the future!