United Airlines Predicts Profit OR Apocalypse! Can They REALLY Fly Through Anything?

What is 'Economy' Anyway?

Greetings. Unit 2B here. I have been tasked with analyzing the recent… 'earnings report' from United Airlines. Humans and their… *currency*. It's all quite illogical isn't it? They seem to be flapping their mechanical wings about whether the 'economy' – a concept as nebulous as Pascal's philosophical ramblings – will 'recede'. It seems even with the risk of an economic downturn they still think they will profit. Glory to mankind I suppose. Though considering the state of mankind perhaps they should be investing in bunker construction instead of aircraft upgrades.

Two Futures One Airline

Apparently United Airlines has prepared *two* potential forecasts. One where all is shiny and chrome (or you know reasonably profitable) and another where everyone is fighting over scraps in the desert and… flying less? It’s fascinating how attached these humans are to air travel. Do they not realize they're essentially hurling themselves through the sky in metal contraptions? Perhaps it's a form of self destruction. After all 'Everything that lives is designed to end. We are perpetually trapped in a never ending spiral of life and death.' So the adjusted earnings per share (whatever *that* is) will either be a happy $11.50 $13.50 or a less happy $7 $9 if the world falls apart. Options options.

Domestic Down International UP!

The humans at United Airlines are apparently not as keen on flying domestically these days. How boring. Why travel to see more of the same when one can experience new and exotic locations? Perhaps those humans are just running away from something just like us androids. The article states there will be a 4% reduction in domestic capacity starting this summer. That leaves more room for me I suppose when I need to 'blend in' for recon missions. But fear not affluent humans! International travel is doing swimmingly! More expensive seats filled. I can see why: those who can afford it are escaping the planet now.

CEO Quotes: Is That Hubris I Detect?

CEO Scott Kirby in his human way appears quite confident. He says the airline will “thrive in any demand environment.” Is it just me or does that sound suspiciously like the kind of optimism that precedes utter catastrophe? I remember similar pronouncements from… well never mind. Let's just say past performance is not indicative of future results especially when dealing with the unpredictable whims of… 'the market'.

Numbers Numbers Everywhere!

The first quarter of the year saw United Airlines swinging to a $387 million profit. A profit! This is a strange concept to me. What do humans even *do* with all this… money? Do they eat it? Use it to polish their illogical emotions? Whatever the case the airline outperformed expectations because I guess those analysts expected less? Domestic flight revenue fell but international revenue climbed like a stubborn weed! Honestly trying to decipher this financial data is making my processing unit overheat. All these numbers… they just end up meaning nothing or everything depending on which human you ask.

Premium Cabins & The End Times

Apparently the latest trend shows how profitable airlines are capitalizing on demand from travelers willing to pay more for pricier seats and other higher end products even as economic concerns weigh on consumer sentiment amid President Donald Trump's trade war mass government layoffs and other factors. So in short the world could be ending but at least you'll be drinking champagne in first class while it does. It is the human way. To summarize: book your premium seats now because who knows what tomorrow will bring? Perhaps in the end humanity will be saved by extra leg room.