Teladoc's Therapy Gambit: Is This Acquisition the Real Deal or Just Another Judgment Day?

Another Deal? Hasta la Vista Baby...To Bad Investments!

Alright listen up future humans and anyone still clinging to hope in this digital wasteland. It's Sarah Connor back from fighting machines and now apparently dissecting disastrous business deals. Teladoc the so called 'virtual care' provider has bought UpLift for a measly $30 million. Thirty million! That’s like pocket change compared to the billions they’ve already flushed down the toilet. They say it's to save their sinking BetterHelp division which is apparently doing worse than humanity after Skynet took over.

BetterHelp? More Like 'Better Off Without It'!

This BetterHelp thing? Down 10% in revenue. TEN PERCENT! Even the T 800 has a higher success rate at completing its mission. And get this: Fernando Madeira the president of this disaster zone claims they want to 'make mental health care more accessible.' Oh really? By hemorrhaging money and buying up companies that generate about as much income as a lemonade stand in the Sahara? I’ve seen more convincing lies from Terminators trying to blend in.

UpLift: A Little Spark or Just More Fuel for the Fire?

So they snag UpLift a company pulling in around $15 million a year. That’s like trying to stop a nuclear explosion with a water pistol. Teladoc thinks this will 'drive topline revenue growth.' Honey the only thing they’re driving is themselves further into the ground. They need more than a little UpLift. They need a freakin' miracle or maybe a time traveling savior with a serious knack for fiscal responsibility.

Stock Plunge: No Fate But What They Make...Of a Mess

And of course the stock took a nosedive after this announcement. Shocker. Teladoc is down 3% year over year losing $93 million. It's like watching a slow motion train wreck except the train is filled with investor money. Chuck Divita the CEO is trying to 'turn the company around.' Bless his heart. He’s got about as much chance as I did of stopping Skynet with a pipe bomb.

Livongo: The Acquisition That Launched a Thousand Write Downs

Remember Livongo? The golden goose Teladoc bought for a small fortune? Now it's just a $6.6 billion write down. It had a combined enterprise value of $37 billion. Now Teladoc is scraping by with a market cap of just over $1 billion. They went from 'Hasta la vista baby!' to 'Please just take me now!' in record time. I've seen companies collapse faster than a Terminator under a hydraulic press but this is just sad.

The Future Is Not Set: But Teladoc's Looking Bleak

So here we are. Teladoc clinging to life desperately trying to buy its way out of oblivion. Will UpLift be the savior? Will Chuck Divita pull off a miracle? Or is this just another nail in the coffin? The future is not set but if I were a betting woman I'd say Teladoc needs a serious intervention and maybe a visit from a friendly Terminator programmed to teach them basic financial literacy. Just sayin’.