Raw! Trump Family's Crypto Mine About to Get Grilled on Nasdaq!

Is This Thing On?

Right listen up you panini heads! Another day another crypto calamity waiting to happen. Apparently Donald Trump's offspring Eric and Donald Jr. are cooking up a storm… or at least trying to. Their Bitcoin mining venture American Bitcoin is merging with Gryphon Digital Mining to go public on the Nasdaq. Trading under 'ABTC' – sounds more like a dodgy alphabet soup than a groundbreaking tech firm doesn't it? This whole thing is expected to close as early as the third quarter of 2025. Let's hope they have a better sense of timing than I do when I'm searing a scallop!

98 Percent? Are You Having a Laugh?

Now here's the kicker. The existing stockholders – including the Trump boys – will own about 98% of this 'new entity.' Ninety eight percent! Are you taking the p***? It's like ordering a pizza and finding out 98% of it is just crust. What a bloody joke! It seems like they're cornering the market and if you ask me it smells fishier than a week old tuna.

Trump's Crypto Empire: A Risotto of Disaster?

This move is just the latest ingredient in the Trump family's crypto empire which already includes that $TRUMP meme coin. A meme coin! Next they'll be selling NFTs of… of what? Trump's toupee collection? The whole thing stinks like overcooked broccoli and that’s saying something. And get this they're offering a private dinner with the President to top holders of the coin. I’d rather eat airline food. At least then I know what disappointment tastes like.

Winning the Crypto Race: More Like Losing Your Marbles

Eric Trump the self proclaimed 'Chief Strategy Officer' – sounds like he’s playing SimCity – claims this is all about cementing America's leadership in Bitcoin mining. He says 'We won the space race. We better win the crypto race.' Oh shut your gob you silly sausage! Comparing crypto to the space race is like comparing a microwave meal to a Michelin star dinner. It's utter madness!

Minting Bitcoin on American Soil: A Load of Codswallop!

And let's not forget the former President wants all future Bitcoin 'minted on American soil.' Minted? He’s talking about Bitcoin like it’s bloody gold coins! I wouldn't trust him to mint a single pot of gold let alone a digital currency. The whole thing is as ridiculous as putting pineapple on a pizza.

Market Yawns: Is Anyone Actually Bothered?

The best part? The crypto market couldn't give a toss. Bitcoin is trading at around $104,000 roughly flat. It’s as if the entire financial world collectively shrugged and said 'Yeah whatever.' Maybe they all know this is going to end up like one of my Kitchen Nightmare restaurants – a complete and utter disaster. Time will tell but I'm already reaching for the antacid.