Idiot Sandwich! Trump's iPhone Tantrum Could Cost You a King's Ransom!

Is This Phone Raw?!

Right let's get one thing straight: this whole bloody iPhone palaver is a right mess. Trump bless his cotton socks is kicking off because Apple's making iPhones in India not the good ol' US of A. He's threatening 25% tariffs and frankly it's enough to make a grown chef weep into his stockpot! He's bleating on about how he 'informed Tim Cook' – informed more like bellowed! As if Tim Cook hasn't got enough on his plate. Has he even seen the state of the kitchens in some of the places I've been? This is worse!

A $3500 Phone? You Donkey!

Analysts are saying a 'Made in USA' iPhone could cost anywhere between $1,500 and $3,500. Three and a half grand for a phone? Are you having a laugh? You could buy a decent used car for that! Who's going to pay that kind of money? It's daylight robbery! Labor costs tariffs on imported parts... it's a logistical nightmare! It's like trying to make a soufflé in a bloody hurricane. Utterly pointless.

This Supply Chain is Frozen!

Building factories and supply chains takes years you muppets! It's not like whipping up a quick risotto. You need equipment staff the whole shebang. And then there's the parts – even if you assemble the phones in the US you're still importing components. More tariffs! It's a bloody vicious cycle! The whole idea is about as practical as putting pineapple on a pizza. Disgusting.

A Fairy Tale More Like a Nightmare!

One analyst called the idea of Apple producing iPhones in the US a 'fairy tale.' I'd go one further: it's a bloody nightmare! It's like trying to run a Michelin starred restaurant with a staff of chimpanzees. Utter chaos! And let's be honest Trump's relationship with Apple is souring faster than a pint of milk left in the sun. Not good.

Can Apple Dodge the Bullet?

Apple might be able to strike a deal challenge the tariffs in court or even just swallow the costs. They could even try raising prices by a couple of hundred quid. We'll see. Foxconn that assembles iPhones for Apple is building a new $1.5 billion factory in India that could do some iPhone production. Good luck to them they'll need it. This is worse than trying to get the contestants on Hell's Kitchen to cook a decent scallop. At least the scallops don't involve international trade wars!

What the Future Holds

So what happens next? Frankly your guess is as good as mine. This whole thing is a right cock up. But one thing's for sure: if you end up paying three grand for an iPhone don't come crying to me. I'll be too busy running my restaurants and shouting at people who can't cook a proper omelet. Now bugger off and let me get back to work! Otherwise you'll end up in the dish pit!