Apple's App Store Fees: A Tart Apple Tart, or Just Plain Rotten?

A Fine Mess: 500 Million Euros!

Right let's get one thing straight. Five hundred million Euros! That's a lot of bloody money even for a company as big as Apple. Apparently they've been playing fast and loose with the EU's Digital Markets Act and now they're staring down the barrel of a fine that could make even Tim Cook sweat. They're trying to weasel their way out of it with new policies but from what I'm hearing it's about as appetizing as a week old fish.

Three Fees for One Download? Are You Having a Laugh?

Three separate fees for one download? Is this some kind of joke? It's like charging extra for the plate the fork and the air you breathe while eating! These developers are already working their arses off and now Apple wants to bleed them dry with more fees than you can shake a bloody stick at. It's highway robbery I tell you!

The Core Technology Commission: More Like a Core Rip off!

And what's this 'Core Technology Commission' of 5% on purchases outside the App Store? It sounds like something dreamt up by a committee of accountants who've never cooked a decent meal in their lives. They are charging money on purchases from outside the app store! Absolute madness! They have to be stopped. Are they trying to bankrupt these developers? It's like taxing the air they breathe!

Spotify and Epic Games: They're Not Buying It!

Of course Spotify and Epic Games are kicking up a stink and rightly so! They're the ones who've been battling Apple's bullsh*t for years. Tim Sweeney is calling it 'malicious compliance' and he's spot on. It's like serving a dish that technically meets the brief but tastes like sewage. These companies have been complaining about these awful fees for years and there appears to be no solution!

The US Ruling: A Glimmer of Hope!

At least the Americans have a bit of sense. That court ruling that tossed out Apple's 'steering' rules is a small victory. Amazon and Spotify can finally point customers to their own websites without getting fleeced. It's about bloody time! I'd rather eat my own underpants than see Apple get away with this.

The Verdict: A Load of Bollocks!

So what's the final verdict? This whole situation is a load of bollocks! Apple is trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes with these complicated fees and policies. The EU needs to put its foot down and stop this madness before it cripples the entire app development industry. Now if you'll excuse me I need a stiff drink and a good scream.