Giggity! Amazon Swiped Blind by Armenian Cargo Crooks!

Holy Crap! 83 Million Bucks?!

Alright! So I heard about this story on the news and let me tell you it's spicier than Peter Griffin's hot wings! The Department of Justice (those buzzkills) just nailed a bunch of Armenian guys for allegedly swiping over $83 million worth of stuff from Amazon. Yeah you heard right MILLION! These guys were posing as truckers and just driving off with entire loads of merchandise. I mean Giggity! That’s more than I've spent on…well let's just say 'personal grooming products' in my entire life.

Smart TVs and...Icemakers?

Apparently these weren't just any old goodies. We're talking smart TVs icemakers (perfect for chilling my…ahem drinks) vacuum cleaners and even air fryers. Air fryers! What's next they gonna steal all the lube? No wait... Anyways the DOJ says this has been going on since at least 2021. These guys were living the high life while I was stuck watching Peter Griffin eat mayonnaise straight from the jar. That’s just not fair!

Amazon's Got a Problem...Giggity

Amazon is apparently not happy and honestly who would be? They’re calling it 'cargo theft' which sounds like something out of a Vin Diesel movie but less cool and more like a major headache for Jeff Bezos. They've been trying to crack down on this stuff but it's like trying to stop me from hitting on Lois – nearly impossible! Speaking of Amazon they have everything. You can buy a boat load of condoms or even a wife but where's the fun in that? Giggity Giggity Goo!

Self Styled Carriers? More Like Self Styled Criminals!

So here's the gist: these alleged criminals had their own trucking companies – AK Transportation NBA Holdings and the like. They'd use the Amazon Relay app to get gigs pick up the goods and then…POOF! Gone! They'd either sell the stuff or just give it away. Can you imagine getting a free Weber grill from these guys? I mean I’d take it but I'd also be looking over my shoulder for the FBI. It’s always the quiet ones…”

iPhones and Crooks: The Digital Trail of Tears

The Feds finally caught these guys after seizing their iPhones. Turns out they had photos and videos of warehouses filled with stolen loot – crockpots coffee machines shampoo you name it! I mean seriously? You gotta be smarter than that. Next time just hire a good lawyer and plead ignorance. I once got out of a speeding ticket by telling the cop I was rushing to a Victoria's Secret sale. Works every time...almost.

Attempted Murder and Air Fryers? Sounds Like a Party!

And here's where it gets even crazier. The DOJ is linking these guys to other crimes like attempted murder kidnapping and even health care fraud! I mean come on! That's like mixing beer with scotch just wrong! Some of them are already in court and one poor sap is stuck in Florida. Florida! Talk about a harsh punishment. At least he has sunshine and…well you know...opportunities. Giggity! Alright!