Neuralink's $650 Million Brain Boost: More Like a Headcrab Than Telepathy?

Another Day Another Doomsday Device?

Alright people Ripley here. Heard about this Neuralink thing again. Seems Elon's found a way to throw $650 million at sticking micro threads into people's brains. 'Deepening the connection between biological and artificial intelligence,' they say. Sounds like a load of corporate BS to me. Last time someone said that I was face to face with a Xenomorph. And trust me the Xenomorph was the more reasonable conversationalist.

Telepathy? More Like Tele Terrifying!

This 'Telepathy' system involves 64 threads thinner than hair being shoved into your skull. Hair? I've seen more comforting things come out of a Giger painting. Supposedly it'll let paralyzed folks control gadgets with their minds. Good for them I guess. But all I can think about is whether it comes with a self destruct button. Because if Ash taught me anything it's that corporate built tech is never to be trusted. Ever.

Five Guinea Pigs... I Mean Pioneers

Five brave souls have already signed up for this brain rodeo. Controlling devices with their thoughts? Cool. But what happens when the software glitches? Do they suddenly start craving face huggers? Look I’m all for progress but let’s not forget the potential for things to go sideways faster than a dropship through an alien hive.

Blindsight: Seeing is Believing... Or Just Blind Faith?

Musk’s even boasting about 'Blindsight,' a device to restore vision even without eyes or optic nerves. Ambitious? Sure. Utterly terrifying if it goes wrong? You bet your pulse rifle. He claims even the completely blind will see. Maybe they'll see the true horror of being plugged into Skynet 2.0.

Clinical Trials? More Like 'Clueless' Trials

They're running four clinical trials. Four! That’s four too many chances for something to go horribly horribly wrong. Look these 'experts' have been studying BCIs for decades. And what have they got to show for it? More companies wanting to drill holes in your head. Remember what Burke said? "No mistakes..." Yeah right.

My Advice? Stay Away From Anything That Wants to Crawl Inside Your Skull

So Neuralink's swimming in cash and dreams of a future where your thoughts control your toaster. Fine. But I’m betting my flamethrower that this 'brave new world' comes with a serious asterisk. Just remember folks in space no one can hear you scream. And in your brain? Probably not either.