Another Day, Another Nightmare! Tech Stocks in Panic Mode Thanks to Trump's Tariff Tantrum!

Houston We Have a Problem: The Market's Screaming!

Alright people listen up. This isn't a drill. I've faced acid bleeding aliens corporate greed and now… this. Donald Trump. Remember when I said 'I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure'? Well I'm starting to feel that way about the stock market. These tech stocks are teetering like Lambert after a close encounter with a facehugger. The Magnificent Seven? More like the Miserable Seven right now.

The Magnificent Seven: More Like the Moronic Seven Right Now!

These so called 'Magnificent Seven' – Nvidia Apple Meta Amazon Microsoft Alphabet – they had a brief rally but it was shorter than my last vacation (which ended with me in hypersleep naturally). Seems like someone whispered 'tariffs' and they all went pale. It's like watching a room full of Kane's – just waiting for something nasty to burst out.

Bear Market Blues: Worse Than the Nostromo's Plumbing!

The tech sector took a beating last week losing more money than the Company spends on Weyland Yutani propaganda. The Nasdaq entered a bear market which let me tell you is worse than discovering the Nostromo's plumbing is connected to the alien hive. And Trump? He's doubling down on these tariffs like he's got a personal vendetta against… well everyone probably.

Tariff Tantrums: It's a Trap!

Trump's sticking to his guns slapping a 10% tariff on everything he can get his hands on. Wall Street was hoping for a delay but the White House dismissed it faster than I dismiss Burke's stupid plans. Seems like every car company is either halting shipments or jacking up prices. We're all going to be walking soon just trying to survive alone in the dark waiting for the inevitable xenomorph I mean economic collapse. It's a trap I tell you!

Jamie Dimon's Warning: Even He's Scared!

Even Jamie Dimon the CEO of JPMorgan Chase is throwing up his hands. He says these tariffs will hike prices and squeeze the economy. When the money guys start sweating you know we're in deep space trouble. Trade groups are warning about higher prices at the grocery store and on our precious electronics. Guess we'll all be trading our iPhones for survival rations. 'What are we supposed to do?,' you ask? Adapt and overcome! Just like I did facing the Queen Alien.

Trump's Medicine: Tastes Like Xenomorph Acid!

Trump says and I quote 'sometimes you have to take medicine to fix something.' Well this medicine tastes like Xenomorph acid. Other tech stocks like Oracle and Palantir are tanking and semiconductor stocks are freaking out about demand. It's like watching a slow motion train wreck except the train is full of your retirement savings. 'I can't lie to you about your chances but… you have my sympathies.'