Eat My Shorts, Stock Market! Bezos Bails on Billions!

Bezos' Big Break: Ka Ching!

Ay caramba! Word on the street (or like Wall Street) is that Jeff Bezos the dude who used to run Amazon and still owns a bazillion shares is planning to sell off a bunch of 'em. Like 25 million shares! That's enough dough to buy every single skateboard in Springfield maybe even the whole freakin' state! He says it's part of some 'trading plan' he cooked up back in March. Sounds fishy to me man. Maybe he's finally realized that the only real currency is Bart Simpson Bucks!

Amazon's Earnings: Doh!

So Amazon's earnings came out and apparently they did okay but not 'Woohoo!' okay. Wall Street was expecting more moolah and they didn't get it. My guess? They need to sell more Radioactive Man comics online! I'd buy 'em but I'm kinda short on cash after that last Squishee binge.

Trump's Tariff Tantrum: Cowabunga Dude!

Now get this President Trump that guy with the weird hair is apparently causing all sorts of trouble with his new tariffs. Amazon's worried and it looks like it. Apparently Trump even called Bezos to complain about something probably that Amazon isn't selling enough Trump Steaks. Talk about a major league bummer!

Bezos' Bailout Plan: To the Batcave!

Turns out Bezos has been dumping Amazon stock for a while now. Last year he unloaded $13.5 billion worth! What's he doing with all that cheddar? Well some of it's going to his space company Blue Origin. He's probably building a giant slingshot to launch himself into space and escape all this craziness. Smart move dude! I'd bring Milhouse but he'd probably get airsick.

Saving the World (and Maybe Springfield)

Bezos is also using some of the cash to fund his 'Day One Fund,' which helps out low income communities and homeless folks. That's kinda nice of him I guess. Even a mischievous punk like me can appreciate a good deed especially if it means fewer people hassling me for spare change. Don't have a cow man it's for a good cause!

Is This the End? I Didn't Do It!

So what does it all mean? Is Amazon doomed? Will Trump's tariffs destroy the world as we know it? Probably not. But it's always fun to watch the rich guys squirm right? Maybe I should invest in Amazon stock...or maybe I'll just stick to collecting Krusty the Clown memorabilia. At least I know that'll always be worth something!