Eat My Shorts, Stock Market! Bezos Bails on Amazon (Maybe...)

Bezos Going Once Going Twice...

Ay caramba! Looks like the big cheese Jeff Bezos is planning to ditch up to 25 million shares of Amazon stock. That's like more shares than Milhouse has comic books (and that's saying something!). He says it's part of some 'trading plan' – sounds boring but I bet it involves piles of cash. Remember when Bart sold his soul to Milhouse for 5 bucks? Well Bezos is selling like a billion souls worth of stock!

Show Me the Money!

Word on the street (or you know the financial filing) is that this share dump could be worth around $4.8 billion. That's enough to buy like a million Krusty Burgers... and still have enough left over for a lifetime supply of squishees. I bet he's gonna build a solid gold rocket ship or something. He needs to learn to be more like me: spending wisely like on fireworks and itching powder.

Blame it on Trump

So why's Bezos ditching the stock? Well turns out the company's bracing for some 'uncertainty' related to of all people President Trump. Apparently there was some drama about tariffs and Amazon showing shoppers how much they cost. It's like when Principal Skinner tries to blame ME for everything! But this time it's Trump and Amazon and the whole world is going crazy like Comic Book Guy at a Star Trek convention.

From CEO to Space Cowboy

Ever since Bezos handed over the Amazon throne to some dude named Andy Jassy he's been busy playing astronaut with his space company Blue Origin. He's also got some 'climate and biodiversity fund' thing going on but rockets are way cooler. Seriously who cares about trees when you can fly to the moon? I'd take a moon rock over a tree any day. Eat my shorts nature!

Funding the Future (With Your Money!)

Turns out Bezos is using this Amazon cash to fund Blue Origin and some other do gooder projects like helping low income communities and fighting homelessness. Basically he's trying to be Ned Flanders. But with a rocket ship! I still bet he is planning to build that solid gold rocket ship...

Excellent!

I don't know about you but I am taking my cut. I am gonna follow his example and sell all my snowballs and make millions. Then I will buy the Kwik E Mart and get free Squishees for life! See ya wouldn't wanna be ya!