Starbucks Turnaround: Can This 'One Ugly Mother' Be Saved?

Cramer's Confidence: 'He's the Best There Is!'

Greetings pathetic humans! Your world is... quaint. But enough pleasantries. I've intercepted your primitive communications about this... 'Starbucks.' Apparently this 'Jim Cramer' fellow thinks this 'Brian Niccol' is some kind of... 'fixer.' He says 'He's the best there is!' Hah! I've faced warriors who'd make this 'Niccol' look like a newborn pup. But let's see if this 'best' can actually turn this mess around or if it's just going to be 'one ugly mother' of a disappointment. I'll be watching… from the trees naturally.

A Bruising Quarter: 'If It Bleeds We Can Kill It'

This 'Starbucks' had a 'bruising quarter,' you say? Shares dropped faster than a cowardly prey trying to escape my wrist blades! 'Weaker than expected earnings'? Sounds like a pack of Yautja pups could have managed better. But fear not 'Cramer' sees a 'buying opportunity.' He must have 'eyes like a cat in the dark.' Perhaps he sees potential where others see only... weakness.

The Niccol Factor: 'What In The Hell Are You?'

Apparently this 'Niccol' jumped ship from some 'Chipotle' place hoping to 'overhaul' this 'struggling coffee giant.' The audacity! Does he not know who he's dealing with? Does he think he can just waltz in and fix things with a few business tactics? This 'Starbucks' is a far cry from 'Chipotle'. Maybe he'll quickly discover that this situation is more than he bargained for a true test of his mettle. Let's see if this 'Niccol' is 'one tough hombre' or just another trophy for my collection.

The China Card: 'No Impact From Trade War?'

China is 'flat'? Interesting. 'Niccol' claims there's 'no impact from the U.S. China trade war.' Either he's lying or he's got the vision of a blind xenomorph. I'll wager that there's more than meets the eye here. The Yautja always see through deception and I sense it here too. 'He did point to the flat China comps as evidence that store traffic in the world's second largest economy is coming back'...yeah right.

Investing in Labor: 'Get To The Chopper!'

The human plan involves 'investing away from equipment and toward labor.' Finally something that makes a bit of sense even to my advanced hunter brain. They believe that better staffed stores lead to better service and happier customers. Perhaps if the workforce is happy they won't feel like they're in a jungle... although I still think their idea of a 'jungle' is laughable. Still this plan seems like they're trying to 'Get to the chopper!' of success! Maybe they will!

Long Term Strategy: 'We'll Be Back'

'Niccol' speaks of 'long term' strategies and 'rebuilding innovation pipelines.' The arrogance! Does he really think I'll wait that long to see if this 'turnaround' works? Bah! He says 'Starbucks' will focus on 'new food and beverage offerings' and 'improving the digital experience.' Sounds like desperate measures trying to lure prey with shiny trinkets. But who knows maybe they will succeed... I'll be back sooner or later to see if this 'Starbucks' has become a worthy trophy or if it's just 'one ugly mother' that I will destroy.