Best Buy's Fiscal Forecast: Another Day, Another Dollar Short, Another Reason to Nuke It From Orbit

Houston We Have a Problem (With Tariffs)

Alright people listen up. This is Ripley last survivor of the Nostromo (and a few other close calls you wouldn't believe). Seems our friends at Best Buy are having a bit of a xenomorph infestation of their own only it's in the form of… *tariffs*. Yep those pesky duties have them cutting their sales and profit forecasts like Ash hacking away at our escape route. "Any questions?"

Price Hikes: The Very Last Resort (Until They're Not)

Corie Barry the CEO is saying they're raising prices as a "very last resort." Right. Just like Weyland Yutani promising to keep us safe. I've heard that one before. She's playing coy about which items are getting the squeeze but trust me you'll feel it in your wallet. It's always the consumer who ends up face hugged by these things. It's a goddamn circus!

Trump's Trade Policy: More Disruptive Than a Chestburster at Dinner

Apparently President Trump's trade policy is tossing things around more than a xenomorph in the Nostromo's ventilation system. Best Buy's not alone; Abercrombie & Fitch and Macy's are feeling the burn too. Even E.l.f. Beauty is throwing up their hands in confusion. This whole situation is messier than the aftermath of a xenomorph attack. "I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure."

Nimble Like a Space Marine on a Ventilation Shaft Crawl

Barry's yakking about staying "nimble" because a federal trade court is messing with Trump's tariffs. Translation: they're scrambling like chickens with their heads cut off trying to figure out how to keep the lights on without charging us an arm and a leg. Good luck with that. In space no one can hear you scream... about the price of a new TV.

Numbers Don't Lie (But Executives Do)

The numbers are grim. Earnings per share are barely scraping by revenue is down and comparable sales are taking a dive. People aren't buying as many home theaters appliances or... *drones*. Seriously? Drones? Well they are a far cry better than sending in marines into the hive. Smartphones are doing okay though. Maybe people are just using them to Google how to avoid Best Buy's price hikes. You do the math.

The Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear a Facehugger Mask

So what's the plan? Best Buy's pinning their hopes on new product launches like the Nintendo Switch 2. They're also patting themselves on the back for improving the customer experience (whatever that means). Shares are down the future's uncertain and frankly I've seen better days battling acid blooded monsters. Maybe it's time to invest in flamethrowers instead of flat screen TVs. "I can't lie to you about your chances but... you have my sympathies."