Eat My Shorts, American Eagle! Retailer Dumps $75 Million of Clothes!

Ay Caramba! Money Troubles!

Alright dudes and dudettes Bart Simpson here reporting live from Springfield (okay maybe just my treehouse). Guess what? American Eagle's having a 'cowabunga dude!' kind of day but not in a good way. They're tossing $75 million worth of clothes into the dumpster! Spring and summer stuff gonezo. And they're even chickenin' out of their money predictions for the whole year. Talk about a face plant!

First Quarter Flop: Blame the Dog!

So here's the skinny. Their sales are down like Milhouse's chances with Lisa. First quarter? Blew chunks! They made about $1.1 billion which sounds like a lot but it's 5% less than last year. Even Aerie their girly undie brand took a dive of 4%. Turns out even *they* couldn't sell enough to keep the money machine chugging. Maybe they shoulda hired Krusty to do some ads? 'Hey hey! Get your bloomers here!'

Discount Disaster: I Didn't Do It!

Turns out they tried to unload all that stuff with mega discounts. Whoa Mama! But guess what? It backfired! Now they're looking at a big ol' loss like $85 million. Even if you ignore the one time screw ups it's still a $68 million ouch! Their CEO Jay Schottenstein (sounds like a villain from an old movie right?) said they messed up their shopping strategies and ended up with too much stuff. Sounds like someone needs a timeout!

D'oh! The Blame Game

So what's the excuse? They're blaming it on weak demand and cold weather. Yeah right. Like *that's* why nobody wants to buy their threads. Maybe they need to hire me as a fashion consultant. I could tell 'em what's cool! (Hint: it involves slingshots and skateboard graphics).

No Future: Predicting the Future is for Suckers!

Because of all this mess American Eagle is throwing their hands up in the air and saying 'I quit!' on their money predictions for 2025. They say it's because things are too shaky and they're rethinking their plans. Sounds like they need a good ol' fashioned prank war to lighten the mood!

Tariff Troubles? I Didn't See Nothin'!

Nobody knows if those new tariff thingamajigs are messing with American Eagle. Some companies bought stuff early to avoid paying extra but American Eagle said they were doing okay with inventory. Maybe they shoulda just stuck with selling Krusty Burgers instead of clothes eh?