Groovy Brew-haha! Starbucks' Turnaround Plan: Is It Shagadelic or Just Shag-nificent Spin?

Yeah Baby Yeah... But Not the Earnings!

Alright groovy cats and kittens! Austin Powers here reporting live from… well my shag pad naturally! Word on the street is that Starbucks yeah that caffeine peddling juggernaut has had a bit of a 'mare in the financial department. They've reported weaker than expected earnings. Oh behave! Seems like even a Frappuccino can't mask the fact that their same store sales have taken a nosedive for the fifth quarter running. It's like Dr. Evil trying to get a loan – nobody's buying it!

Back to Starbucks? Is This a Time Warp?

Now Brian Niccol the head honcho at Starbucks – not quite as intimidating as Dr. Evil but hey who is? – says they've got a 'Back to Starbucks' plan. Sounds like a time warp to me baby! He claims they're testing and learning seeing changes in the coffeehouses. But the stock market isn't convinced dropping 2% faster than I drop my trousers at a swingin' party. Groovy but not exactly a confidence booster!

Dollars and Sense: Not as Sensational as a Shaguar!

Let's get down to brass tacks shall we? Earnings per share were only 41 cents adjusted when the boffins on Wall Street were expecting 49 cents. Revenue? $8.76 billion short of the predicted $8.82 billion. That’s like missing Goldmember's… well you get the picture! Net income took a proper tumble halved from last year. Not very shagadelic is it?

Oh No Not the Mojo! Sales Slump City!

The root of the problem my groovy compatriots is that Starbucks' sales have slumped especially in the US and China. People are looking for cheaper options. Can you believe it? Cheaper than Starbucks? That's like saying there's a cheaper way to… well never you mind! They're losing transactions faster than I lose my… mojo!

Transactions are Down Baby! Down!

Globally their same store sales fell 1% with transactions down 2%. In the US it's even worse transactions plummeted 4% dragging same store sales down 2%. China? Flat. It's like Austin Powers trying to get a date in the 21st century – a bit of a struggle baby! Looks like average ticket prices aren't enough to save the day.

Is This the End? Not if Austin Powers Can Help!

So is this the end for our caffeinated friends? Not if I have anything to say about it! Maybe they need a bit of my mojo a dash of my international man of mystery charm and a whole lot of shagadelic marketing. Yeah! We need to get their groove back on track baby! Because if Starbucks goes down who will be there to serve me my morning cuppa? Think about it!