Iran Nuclear Talks: This Deal is RAW... RAW!

Bloody Hell What's Cooking in the Middle East?

Right so I'm reading this drivel about oil prices spiking 'cause of some drama in the Middle East. Trump's flapping his gums about Iran again threatening to pull troops and generally stirring the pot. Honestly you'd think he's never seen a soufflé collapse before. 'They are being moved out because it could be a dangerous place' he says. No shit Sherlock! You don't need to be a Michelin starred chef to know that a nuclear standoff is a recipe for disaster!

Zero Enrichment? More Like Zero Brains!

Trump wants zero uranium enrichment in Iran. Zero! Like telling me I can't add salt to my scallops! The man's lost the plot. Iran's saying they have the right to enrich uranium for 'peaceful purposes.' Peaceful my arse! That's like saying I only swear to 'add flavor' to my language. We all know where this is heading: a nuclear pie fight!

Sixty Percent Purity? You Donkey!

Sixty percent purity says the IAEA. That's nearly weapons grade you donut! Only countries making bombs are reaching this level they say. It's like serving a perfectly cooked lobster with a side of raw sewage – utterly unacceptable! What are they playing at? This isn't amateur hour; this is bloody dangerous!

Israel's Ready to Rumble: Are We Going to War?

Apparently Israel is itching for a fight. Netanyahu's been whispering sweet nothings in Trump's ear begging for airstrikes. Honestly it's like watching two toddlers squabble over a toy. But this isn't a toy; this is a nuclear warhead! Are we all completely mental? Someone needs to take a deep breath and remember we’re not making a bloody risotto here!

A Compromise? Don't Be a Naive Idiot!

Compromise options are being floated – a regional nuclear consortium mothballing facilities. It's all just a load of bollocks! The US proposal "is more a series of ideas than a concrete plan and for the moment looks unworkable," someone says. They haven't engaged with the issue of sanctions relief. They want their pound of flesh! For crying out loud sort it out!

This is Going to End Up a Very Very Devastating Confrontation You Morons!

Now the Iranians are threatening to strike US assets. They hit Israel and they hit effectively. This could end up a very very devastating confrontation if there's a confrontation. You bunch of donkeys! Can't you see what's happening? Do not let Trump jeopardise his presidency over this issue when in reality there is a diplomatic deal in reach.