Giggity! Trump Admin Slaps Harvard with Naughty Investigations!

Harvard Gets a Dose of the 'Giggity' Hammer

Alright fellas! Your favorite horndog reporter Glen Quagmire is here to give you the lowdown on some juicy news. Seems like the Trump administration is giving Harvard a 'giggity' they won't soon forget! They've launched not one but TWO investigations into Harvard University and the Harvard Law Review. Why? Well rumor has it that the Harvard Law Review is choosing articles based on the authors' skin color not if their arguments are tighter than Lois Griffin's... well you know. Giggity!

DEI? More Like 'Don't Even Inquire'!

Apparently the Trump folks are hot under the collar about Harvard's so called 'DEI' programs. DEI in case you've been living under a rock (or more likely chasing skirts) stands for Diversity Equity and Inclusion. But the Trump administration thinks it's more like 'Don't Even Inquire' about merit! They want Harvard to ditch these programs faster than I ditch a girl after a one night stand. Giggity! They also want to give international students the 'ol ideological pat down,' which sounds like a real party eh?

Show Me the Money! (Or Rather Don't!)

And hold on to your hats boys 'cause it gets better. The Trump administration already froze $2.2 BILLION in grants to Harvard because of concerns about antisemitism and other shenanigans on campus. Two point two BILLION! That's more money than I've spent on dating apps... and that's saying something let me tell ya! Giggity!

Civil Rights Showdown: Title VI to the Rescue!

Now the serious stuff. The Department of Education and the Department of Health and Human Services are getting in on the action investigating allegations of discriminatory practices at the Law Review. They're saying the Law Review's editor was all worked up because too many white dudes wanted to comment on some police reform article. Another editor suggested fast tracking a piece just 'cause the author was a minority! Sounds like a recipe for disaster... and not the fun kind. Giggity!

Spoils System? More Like Spoiled Harvard!

Craig Trainor some big shot at the Education Department says the Law Review is picking 'winners and losers' based on race which is a big no no under Title VI of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Apparently the color of your skin is more important than your legal brains at Harvard these days! Can you believe it? It's enough to make a Quahog resident choke on their clam chowder!

No One's Above the Law Not Even Harvard (Giggity!)

Trainor is making it clear that nobody not even Harvard with all its fancy buildings and even fancier graduates is above the law. The Trump administration isn't gonna let Harvard 'trample on anyone's civil rights.' So there you have it folks! Another day another scandal. But hey at least it gives me something to talk about at the next Drunken Clam gathering. Giggity! And remember 'It's always the right time for Quagmire!'