Trump's 5 Percent NATO Demand: More Like Five Xenomorphs!

Another Day Another Apocalypse?

Alright people listen up. This is Ripley last survivor of the Nostromo (yeah yeah *one* of the survivors – Jonesy counts!). Seems like things on Earth are just as screwed up as they are in deep space. Heard about this news about Germany suddenly backing Trump’s demand for NATO to spend a whopping 5% of their GDP on defense? Five percent! Last time someone asked me for 5 percent it was Weyland Yutani wanting a bigger cut of my life expectancy after that whole LV 426 incident. Spoiler alert: didn't end well for anyone. This Wadephul guy from Germany is apparently all in on this saying they're 'following' Trump's lead. Reminds me of those poor saps following the Xenomorphs into the air ducts. You just *know* how that's going to play out!

Who Needs Alien Guns When You Have Tanks?

So Wadephul met with Secretary of State Rubio calling it a 'great start.' Great start to what? World War III? I bet they didn't talk about Xenomorphs. No one ever does until they're chest bursting their way through the goddamn cafeteria. I mean I appreciate a good defense budget as much as the next space trucker turned Xenomorph hunter but 5%? That's enough to build a whole new fleet of spaceships... or you know maybe address some actual pressing issues like I don't know climate change? Starving people? Xenomorph infestations? Priorities people!

Rutte's Proposal: More Like a Band Aid on a Xenomorph Wound

Apparently some other guy Rutte suggested 3.5% for defense and 1.5% for 'wider security related matters.' That sounds like throwing a band aid on a Xenomorph wound. It’s all coordinated they say. Like I’m supposed to trust governments coordinating *anything* after what Weyland Yutani tried to pull. I swear sometimes I think these politicians are just trying to give the Xenomorphs a run for their money in the 'utterly terrifying and incomprehensible' department. Maybe that’s why we keep running into these situations… no one is addressing the real threats!

Updating... To What?

This article is being 'updated.' Updated to what? More reasons to lose sleep? More excuses for politicians to line their pockets while the world burns? I swear the only thing scarier than a Xenomorph is a politician with a blank check. You know what they say "In space no one can hear you scream." But trust me with this 5% defense spending nonsense we’ll all be screaming loud and clear here on Earth.

5 Percent? That's Insane!

They are failing to meet the *existing* 2% target and this orange clown wants more. What a joke. He doesn't care about security he cares about personal gain. And Wadephul are you stupid? You want the world to end up like LV 426?! How are these people in charge? I can't sleep with all of these idiots in positions of power I'm losing it!

Wake Up Sheeple

Wake up people. It's all one big game they don't care about you. I've seen horrors that you can't even imagine. And yet these fools are driving us straight into another oblivion. We are doomed.