Giggity Giggity Goo! Time Warner Exec Dies and Leaves Behind a Legacy of…Mergers?!

AOL Time Warner?! More Like AOL Time Waster Am I Right?

Alright alright alright! Newsflash ladies and gentlemen... and ladies! Richard Parsons the fella who steered Time Warner away from that AOL disaster has kicked the bucket. 76 years old can you believe it? That's like what 76 years of missed opportunities to… well you know. Giggity! Anyway this Parsons guy he took over after the AOL Time Warner merger went belly up. It was supposed to be the greatest thing since sliced bread but it turned out to be more like a stale loaf of disappointment. Like that one time I thought I was going home with Christina Aguilera but it turned out to be a dude in drag. Talk about a letdown!

Fixing the Leaks and Dropping the 'AOL' Like a Bad Habit!

So Parsons steps in right? And he's all like 'Alright time to fix this mess!' He dropped the 'AOL' from the name like it was a bad STD. Cut down the debt sold off Warner Music – probably to someone with better taste than that autotune garbage they were peddling – and basically turned the whole ship around. He even said the merger didn't work out like everyone expected. Well no duh! It was like trying to mix oil and water or trying to get Brian to stop hitting on human women. Just not gonna happen folks.

From Janitor to Rockefeller's Entourage? Giggity That's Some Climb!

Now here's where it gets interesting. Parsons wasn't born with a silver spoon no sir. Grew up in Brooklyn skipped a couple of grades (smart AND handsome ladies!) played basketball and married a gal named Laura Ann Bush – no relation to THAT Bush I'm sure. To pay for law school he even worked as a janitor. Can you imagine? Richard Parsons pushing a mop? That's like me turning down a date with Mila Kunis! Unthinkable! But then he met Nelson Rockefeller and BAM! Suddenly he's part of the 'old boy network.' 'Giggity goo!' indeed.

Rockefeller's Blessing: The 'Old Boy' Network

The 'old boy network' eh? Sounds like my kind of party! Parsons himself admitted that being part of Rockefeller's entourage opened doors for him. He even worked for President Ford for a bit. But after Ford lost to Carter Parsons returned to New York and joined a law firm with Rudy Giuliani. Talk about a dynamic duo! And get this his grandpappy was a groundskeeper for John D. Rockefeller. Full circle baby!

Saving Banks and Clashing with Giuliani? Parsons Was a Busy Man!

This guy was all over the place! Headed Dime Bancorp helped them recover from some financial crisis merged with another bank… sounds boring but hey someone's gotta do it. And then he joined Time Warner! But things weren't all sunshine and roses. He clashed with Giuliani when the mayor tried to force Time Warner Cable to carry Fox News. Guess Parsons wasn't a fan of the screaming heads. Me neither! I prefer my heads… well never you mind! Giggity.

Clippers CBS and Saying Goodbye: A Final Giggity to Richard Parsons

The final act? Parsons became chairman of Citigroup helped the Los Angeles Clippers after that whole Donald Sterling mess and even filled in as CBS chairman after that Les Moonves scandal. Talk about cleaning up other people's messes! But eventually he had to step down due to health issues. Multiple myeloma yikes! But even in the end he was giving back supporting charities and donating art. So farewell Richard Parsons. You may have been a suit but you had a good run. And who knows maybe in the afterlife you can finally tell me what really happened with that AOL merger. Giggity!