Comcast's Broadband Blues: Can They Nuke It From Orbit? (It's The Only Way To Be Sure)

Houston We Have a Problem (or 199,000 of Them)

Alright people Ripley here. Just got my hands on this news about Comcast. Seems they're hemorrhaging broadband customers faster than a Xenomorph chews through a crew member. They lost 199,000 of 'em! 199,000! What are they gonna do put them in stasis pods and ship 'em off to LV 426? Probably cheaper than dealing with their customer service if you ask me.

Mobile to the Rescue? Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch

So Comcast thinks their mobile business is gonna save the day? Revenue up lines added blah blah blah. Look I’ve seen enough corporate doublespeak to fill the Nostromo’s cargo hold. Mobile's alright for calls and texts but can it handle a full blown Xenomorph infestation of dropped signals and buffering? Doubtful. Plus 8.15 million Xfinity Mobile lines... sounds like a good way to track a LOT of people.

Passion Urgency and a Whole Lotta Spin

Comcast CEO Brian Roberts says they're facing challenges 'with a lot of passion.' Passion? Right. I’m passionate about incinerating alien scum. Their passion probably involves finding new ways to nickel and dime customers. He claims they'll resolve customer pain points. Yeah just like the Company promised to rescue my crew. We all know how that turned out.

Elevated Competition? More Like Corporate Carnage!

CFO Jason Armstrong yammers about being in a 'strong position' despite 'elevated competition.' Strong position? Buddy you’re about to be chest bursted by Verizon and T Mobile! Fixed wireless fiber overbuilding 5G...it's a jungle out there. Comcast's cable TV is already circling the drain faster than my escape pod after Hadley's Hope exploded. Anyone know how I can get a job that's NOT on Earth?

Following Charter's Lead? That's a Bold Strategy Cotton.

They're following Charter's lead? You mean the same Charter trying to remove the 'negative perception' around cable companies? Good luck with that. That's like trying to convince a Xenomorph that face hugging is just a friendly greeting. They're adding mobile lines for free for a year and it's been great to start. If great to start means not bleeding 200,000 customers sure. I'm sure they will find a way to get the cost back after the free year is up.

Peacock Struts Its Stuff: Still a Long Way From the Nest

Okay Peacock's numbers are up losses are down. Good for them. But streaming services all feel the same to me: endless choices and you end up watching the same thing. At least they can’t get their claws into you...well maybe just your wallet. Net income is down but revenue from theme parks is what is helping them out. At least something is working at Comcast.