Theyre Making Weight Loss Pills Now What Could Possibly Go Wrong!

Another Day Another Dollar...And Now Weight Loss Pills?

Alright people Ripley here. You wouldn't believe the kind of things they're cooking up these days. Seems like they've finally figured out how to put weight loss in a pill. Eli Lilly some big shot company claims their new 'orforglipron' (sounds like something the Xenomorphs coughed up doesn't it?) is gonna help people drop pounds and manage their sugar levels. No needles involved they say. Convenient huh? Like a Facehugger that politely asks before implanting an embryo.

Slimming Down the Corporate Way

So this miracle pill managed to shave off about 8% of body weight in 40 weeks. That's like losing a small cat I guess. And get this apparently the weight loss doesn't plateau. Meaning you could keep shedding pounds like a molting snake. They're already dreaming about cornering the market. Seems like there's some competition with Novo Nordisk and other drug companies who are using injectables to keep people skinny. They're expecting up to $150 billion annually by the early 2030s. In space no one can hear you scream...about your stock options.

Side Effects: A Small Price to Pay?

Now here's the kicker. Side effects. Nausea vomiting diarrhea. You know the usual stuff that makes you wish you were facing down a Xenomorph instead. About 8% of folks ditched the pills because of these 'minor' inconveniences. Some analysts even said these side effects are worse than injectables so be warned: it's not all sunshine and rainbows folks. This 'orforglipron' might just give you a one way ticket to the porcelain throne. Remember kids "If it bleeds we can kill it" but apparently if you're too sick to leave the bathroom you can't.

The Blood Sugar Blues

While the weight loss numbers look promising it seems like this pill didn't quite hit the mark on lowering blood sugar levels as much as some hoped. Apparently it only dropped the blood sugar levels by 1.3 to 1.6% across different doses as compared to up to 2.1% as expected. Still the bigwigs at Eli Lilly seem 'pleased.' I'd be more pleased if they figured out how to stop these blasted corporations from prioritizing profit over you know not turning us all into Xenomorph food.

Manufacturing Dreams and Regulatory Nightmares

The suits at Eli Lilly are already patting themselves on the back talking about how easy this pill is to manufacture and how they'll flood the market. They're hoping to get the green light for obesity by the end of the year and for diabetes by 2026. 'Orforglipron' could become the go to pill and alleviate supply issues according to Ricks. This could help even more people get treatment and hopefully solve supply issues. Of course that's assuming the regulators don't find some nasty surprises lurking in the fine print.

The Future is Now and It's Probably Full of Side Effects

Look I'm no doctor but I've learned a thing or two about trusting corporations. This 'orforglipron' pill might be the next big thing a needle free path to weight loss. But remember what Ash taught us "You still don't understand what you're dealing with do you? Perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility." Before we start popping pills like they're candy let's make sure we know what we're really signing up for. Just saying. Ripley out.