Eat My Shorts! FDA Gutted! Is Your Medicine Next?!

Ay Caramba! The FDA's Got the Blues!

What's the deal man? Turns out the Food and Drug Administration yeah those guys who make sure my Radioactive Man cereal doesn't give me superpowers (or worse the runs!) just got a major wedgie. Some dude named Robert F. Kennedy Jr. – no relation to JFK... I think – is chopping up the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) and the FDA's Division of Learning and Organizational Development (DLOD) got the donut. They're gone like Milhouse's chances with Lisa!

Cowabunga Dude! Training Gone Kaput!

Apparently this DLOD thingy was super important. They trained FDA folks and even doctors and nurses on stuff like you know not poisoning us with bad medicine. But now? Poof! All gone! I bet even Principal Skinner is having a better day than those guys. They're canceling everything even the programs that teach people about opioid safety. Seriously? Can't someone think of the children... and my future need for pain meds after another Krusty the Clown stunt goes wrong?

Don't Have a Cow Man! Are My Future Meds Safe?

This Kennedy dude is axing like 10,000 jobs at HHS including 3,500 at the FDA. He says it's to "streamline operations." Sounds like Springfield's monorail project all over again – a big mess with a catchy slogan! They're saying it won't affect inspectors or reviewers of drugs but I'm not buying it. Last time someone said "Trust me," I ended up wearing a dress to school. Never again!

I Didn't Do It! Blame the Government!

Word on the street is that these cuts might even affect people who were watching out for bird flu! Bird flu people! You know the stuff that turns chickens into zombies! If that ain't important I don't know what is. I wouldn't trust my health to these jokers. Maybe I should just start growing my own medicine in the backyard. Except you know I'd probably end up growing poison ivy or something.

Eat My Shorts! No More Credits!

These DLOD people were also in charge of giving out "credits" for training. Apparently doctors and nurses need these credits to keep their licenses. So now these doctors and nurses can't keep up with medical knowledge?!. What's the deal with that? Now no one's giving out these credits so are we all gonna be treated by Dr. Nick Riviera?! At least that'll be entertaining.

I'm Bart Simpson Who the Hell Are You?!

So here's the deal people. The FDA is getting a serious buzzkill and it might mean our future health is in the hands of a bunch of untrained monkeys. I say we all start wearing hazmat suits and avoid hospitals at all costs. And if you see Robert F. Kennedy Jr. tell him Bart Simpson says "Eat my shorts!" Maybe he'll get the message. Or maybe he'll just call me a delinquent. Either way it's worth a shot. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go raid the medicine cabinet... for purely journalistic purposes of course!