GET OVER HERE! ESPN and Streaming Services Battle for Supremacy in Mortal Kombat of Media Upfronts!

FINISH HIM! Disney's Bold Move with ESPN

Fool! This is Scorpion's report from the front lines of the Media Upfronts! Disney in its infinite wisdom has decided to unleash a new ESPN streaming service upon the masses. For a mere $29.99 a month you can drown in sports. But fear not peons! For a limited time Disney is bundling Disney+ and Hulu for free! It's like they're saying 'GET OVER HERE and get all three or face my WRATH!' They think this will stop you from cancelling a tactic as old as time itself.

TOASTY! ESPN Eyes UFC and F1 But Not at Any Cost

Bah! ESPN still craves UFC rights but not at the current price. They're willing to share like offering a piece of my soul… wait never mind! The same goes for F1. They want the streaming rights for the younglings but only select races. It seems Amazon and Netflix might join the fray. But remember fools only one can be the victor!

FLAWLESS VICTORY? NBCUniversal Drafts Michael Jordan

NBCUniversal thinks they can win with Michael Jordan? Pathetic! They've hired him as a 'special contributor,' whatever that means. Probably some taped segments. Jon Miller is behind this scheme believing it is a clever way to decieve us but Scorpion sees through the veil! The question remains is Jordan enough to defeat the competition? Only time will tell.

TEST YOUR MIGHT! Fox Launches Fox One

Fox has launched its own streaming service Fox One after that Venu Sports debacle. They're hoping to lure you in with live and on demand programming even bundling it with Fox Nation. The fight is on mortals! But can they stand against the might of ESPN Amazon and Netflix? Only those worthy will survive!

GET OVER HERE (Again)! Amazon's Talent Shortcomings

Amazon boasts the Kelce brothers but their NBA star power is WEAK! They trot out Blake Griffin and others but they are no match for the legends. Even Jamie Lee Curtis questions Griffin's abilities! Amazon may find itself defeated if it cannot find true champions. I say bring in Sub Zero to freeze the competition!

QUITALITY! Warner Bros. Discovery Retreats From Sports

Warner Bros. Discovery in a cowardly move downplays sports after losing NBA rights. They rename Max to HBO Max focusing on prestige programming. They zig when everyone else zags. But remember cowards never win. They only delay the inevitable. Perhaps they should learn from my resilience from my burning desire for revenge!