Hasta la Vista, Declining Sales: Ram CEO Promises to Terminate the Competition!

I'll Be Back... Again!

Okay listen up people. This isn't just some news article; it's a freakin' warning. This Kuniskis guy at Ram he's channeling some serious 'Judgment Day' energy. Seven month retirement? Sounds like a Terminator recharging. He's back he's pissed and he's blasting Eminem like he's gearing up for war. And trust me I know war. He says he 'missed the fight.' Honey you ain't seen nothin' yet. He's promising 25 announcements through next year? That's a whole lotta Skynet in the making.

No Parachute No Problem

Flying without a parachute huh? Borrowed time and house money? Sounds like the kind of odds I'm used to. This guy's got guts I'll give him that. But a 38% sales decline since 2019? That's not just a dip; that's a nosedive into a lava pit. He's talking about a 'window of opportunity.' I'm talking about a countdown to detonation. Someone get this man a weapon... and maybe a therapist. I've seen what happens when you mess with timelines and 'do too many things at once.' Trust me it ain't pretty.

Ram vs. The Machines (of Competition)

So Ram is the 'backbone' of Stellantis? Sounds like the perfect target for a corporate Skynet. This Joseph Yoon guy from Edmunds.com calls it 'hugely important.' Yeah well so was stopping the rise of the machines. Market share plummeted from 17.8% to 8.4%? That's worse than my dating life before Reese. GM and Toyota are circling like T 1000s in a steel mill. This ain't no game; this is a battle for survival. And I'm pretty sure Kuniskis doesn't have a molten metal foundry handy.

Hemi's Back Baby!

Okay they're bringing back the Hemi V 8? Now we're talking. Nothing says 'freedom' like a gas guzzling engine that could power a small militia. They're calling it a 'Symbol of Protest.' Protest what? Efficiency? I'm on board. Mechanical bull rides? Now they're just trying to distract us. But hey if you can stay on for 15 seconds and get a free t shirt go for it. Just watch out for the T 1000 dressed as a rodeo clown.

Electrification? We'll Be Back...Later

Delaying electric trucks? Smart move. Nobody wants a truck that runs on sunshine and rainbows when you're trying to outrun a cyborg. Kuniskis is 'bullish on the year?' I'm bullish on duct tape and a fully loaded shotgun. Extended range electric vehicle? Sounds like something Skynet would use to infiltrate the grid. I'm telling you there's always a catch. Especially when they say 'There's always a method to the madness.' Yeah the madness is always trying to kill you.

Last Tenth LFG (Let's Freaking Go... Before It's Too Late!)

'Last Tenth LFG'? Sounds like a desperation cry before the apocalypse. Pushing beyond just getting an 'A'? Yeah try stopping a machine that can morph into anything. Trust me grades don't matter when you're dodging plasma rifles. They are bringing back customers with customer loyalty? Yeah well that didn't save me when the T 1000 came calling. This Bettenhausen dealer guy is 'excited'? Honey you should be terrified. But hey at least they are trying. I'm just saying keep your eyes open. And maybe invest in some EMP grenades. You know just in case.