UBS Crushes Earnings, But Watch Out for Those Nasty Tariffs! Sad!

HUGE Earnings Folks! The Best Really!

Let me tell you folks UBS had a TREMENDOUS quarter! Net profit? A whopping $1.692 billion! The analysts? They were saying $1.359 billion. Sad! They were so wrong they should be fired! Believe me nobody knows the market like I do. It’s YUGE! And Return on tangible equity reached 8.5% versus 3.9% in the fourth quarter. These are the kind of numbers we love to see! It’s all because of my policies you know? I made America and UBS great again!

Banking Like a Genius!

The global markets unit folks it's through the roof! A 32% year on year HIKE in revenues! Global Wealth Management doing fantastic and even having transaction based hike in income of 15%. All regions ALL WINNING. It's like everyone is just now realizing that this is the most important place on earth to invest in and it's thanks to me! Remember folks? We're gonna win so much you may even get tired of winning. And you’ll say “Please please Mr. President don’t win so much.” And I’m gonna say “I’m sorry I gotta keep winning. We have to make America great again.”

Interest Rates? Fake News!

Now some people are saying that net interest income is down. Down! Can you believe it? But listen that’s just a little blip. A tiny insignificant blip! UBS CEO Sergio a very smart guy by the way says it's 'almost like a neutral fairly boring zone.' And I agree! It’s just the Swiss being Swiss. They love to complicate things. But don't worry we're keeping a close eye on those Swiss Francs. We'll make sure they're behaving! Nobody understands currencies like I do believe me!

Share Buybacks: Smartest Move Ever!

They bought back $500 million in shares and they’re planning another $2.5 billion! That's how you show confidence folks. That’s how you make the market say 'Wow UBS is really really smart!' It's like building a beautiful wall and making the market pay for it! Brilliant right?

Tariffs? They’re Gonna Pay!

Now about those tariffs. Some people are whining about them saying they're bad for global trade. WRONG! They're good for America! They're good for everyone! If countries don't want to play fair they're going to pay! Switzerland's facing a 31% duty if they don't make a deal. A deal! And the EU? 20%! They thought they could push us around. Wrong! These tariffs are going to make them so rich they're not even gonna know what to do with it!

Don't Be Intimidated! Fight the Swamp!

These Swiss regulators they're always trying to make things difficult. Talking about 'too big to fail' and stricter capital requirements. But UBS isn't backing down! They're fighting the swamp! Swiss President Karin Keller Sutter doesn't want to be intimiated by lobbying. They're telling them 'We're not magicians!' They're going to be competitive and they're going to make Switzerland and America great again! We're going to MAKE banking GREAT AGAIN!