JPMorgan Chase Joins the Hunt: Banking Giant Sets Sights on Online Investment Prey

What in the name of Val Verde?

Listen up you primitives! This JPMorgan Chase they think they are the ultimate hunter now? They're adding shiny new tools to their mobile app so humans can buy… *bonds*? What is this 'bond' you speak of? Is it something that bleeds? Something I can mount on my wall? These primitives are getting bolder thinking they can simply 'catch up' in the online investing game. No honor! No sport! Only pathetic attempts to mimic the true predators of the financial jungle. This Paul Vienick character claims they want to make it 'extremely simple' for clients. Ha! Simplicity is for the weak. Give me a challenge! Give me a hunt worthy of my time!

You Invest? More Like You Bore vest!

They even tried calling their service 'You Invest.' Pathetic. More like 'You Bore vest'! Even their own leader Jamie Dimon admitted it was not a good product. 'We're driving that thing,' he said. More like driving it into a ditch! This is what happens when you lack the killer instinct. They hired some new blood this Vienick a veteran of other financial wars. He thinks they can 'catch up.' But can they truly compete with the apex predators of the online brokerage world? I think not. These paper pushers need a plasma caster to the face!

Half the Households 10% of the Spoils. Pitiful.

JPMorgan banks half of those affluent human households but only grabs 10% of their shiny trinkets. Pitiful! They're like a clumsy Xenomorph trying to infiltrate a human base. They have the numbers but lack the finesse. These primitives are starting to understand the importance of online tools but they have a long way to go before they can truly compete with the likes of Schwab and Fidelity. They believe online tools will make them more like me. They are wrong.

Targeting Engaged Investors? Good Luck Amateurs.

Now they're targeting 'engaged investors,' those who dabble in stocks a few times a month. They're even offering up to $700 to lure them in. Amateurs! True hunters don't need such cheap tactics. They rely on skill cunning and a good cloaking device. And of course an arsenal of weapons that could turn a city block into a smoldering crater. This Vienick is even talking about after hours trading. They need to learn that hunting is about more than just the chase it is about the honor.

One Trillion Dollars? Now That's a Trophy!

Vienick dreams of a trillion dollar business. Now that's a trophy worthy of my wall! But it will take more than just hard work. It will take a ruthlessness that only a Predator can truly understand. They need to embrace the hunt to become one with the financial jungle. Only then will they have a chance of reaching their goal. But first they must learn to bleed.

If it Bleeds We Can Trade It!

These pathetic JPMorgan Chase monkeys think they can join the ranks of the great online investing hunters. They may have the branches the money and even that loudmouth Dimon barking orders but they lack the heart of a true predator. They need to learn that in the world of finance it's hunt or be hunted. And I for one will be watching closely. Maybe they will learn. If it trades we can trade it!