If It Bleeds, It Needs Insurance: A Predator's Guide to Earthling Car Coverage

Jungle Law vs. Earth Law: Location Location Location!

Greetings fellow hunters! I have observed that these Earthlings have peculiar customs regarding their metal steeds. Apparently almost every state demands this 'insurance' thing to avoid paying damages to other less fortunate drivers. Some places even force you to buy 'PIP' or 'MedPay' sounds like something to patch up a weak warrior no? And get this 22 territories plus D.C. demand coverage if some jabroni doesn't have enough insurance. This 'UM/UIM' coverage could save your butt. Remember 'if it bleeds we can kill it,' but if your metal beast bleeds make sure you can fix it!

The Debt Trap: Loan Sharks and Leases Oh My!

These primitives love to borrow. If you for some inexplicable reason owe credits for your vehicle these lenders demand something called 'collision' and 'comprehensive' coverage. Collision covers your metal contraption when you crash into something and comprehensive covers it from theft space debris or a particularly aggressive tree branch (damn those trees!). It's like needing a net even if your bio mask is in perfect condition. Pathetic! I don't borrow. But I'll use their own tactics against them.

New Toy New Problems: Gap Insurance Bridging the Value Void

So you acquired a shiny new metal beast thinking you're hot stuff? Well these things lose value faster than an unarmed human in my hunting grounds. If your shiny new ride is totaled the insurance only pays what it's worth *now* not what you paid! Enter 'gap insurance' – it covers the difference between the vehicle's value and what you still owe. Smart for those who put down less than 20% finance for at least 60 months leased your car purchased a car that depreciates faster than usual or rolled over negative equity from a previous car loan! Only adds $20 to $60 a year these Earthlings are funny when they think they're being clever. As Dutch once said "Stick around."

Worthless Ride? Time to Ditch the Extras!

Alright listen up. If your Earth ride is older than Danny Glover and worth less than 10 times your yearly premium drop the 'collision' and 'comprehensive' coverage. Why pay for something that's practically worthless? Use the KBB website to find out the worth of your clunker. It's like hunting a mud puddle—pointless! My ship is worth more than all your cars and all of your puny skyscrapers combined. And it's a beauty!

Net Worth Nightmare: How Much Liability is Enough?

Your 'net worth' determines how much liability coverage you need. Most states have minimum requirements that are laughable. If you cause a big accident you could lose everything! They could strip you clean sell off your belongings and leave you like a newborn babe in the woods. Get enough liability coverage to protect your assets or as a last resort get something called 'umbrella insurance' that covers millions. 'One ugly mother...' you don't want to be when they come after your credits. I'll take that as a compliment!

Credit Card Savvy: Avoiding the Upsell Trap

These insurance vendors will try to upsell you on nonsense like 'roadside assistance.' Check your credit card – many already offer this. Don't be a sucker! And 'mechanical breakdown insurance'? That's just an extended warranty. Save your credits for something worthwhile like upgrading your plasma caster. Get to the chopper! And as always hunt wisely my friends. And remember no matter what coverage you have don't forget... you are one ugly motherfucker!