Market's a Right Royal Mess! Or is it? My Guide to Not Losing Your Trousers

The Market Went Up? Blimey!

Right then so the clever people in suits are saying the market that thing that goes up and down like Teddy on a trampoline has gone back up! After all that huffing and puffing about tariffs it's like when I try to fix the telly – a lot of fuss for nothing. It seems President Trump's tariff palaver was a bit of a Mr. Bean style blunder but now everything is alright again.

Jamie Dimon's Worried Face

This chap Jamie Dimon who looks like he's swallowed a lemon is worried about inflation. Apparently things might get more expensive! Like when I tried to buy a fancy cheese from the market only to find I'd left my wallet at home. The cheek! The market went down 10% then up 10% again. That's like when I tried to paint my flat ended up covered in more paint than the walls. What a carry on.

UBS Says Don't Panic (Like I Ever Do!)

But UBS who sound a bit like a sneeze say 'Don't Panic!' They reckon things will keep going up slowly like my Reliant Robin up a steep hill. Their fancy chief Mark Haefele says to buy stocks slowly like savoring a good cup of tea and get some gold and bonds to be safe. It's like hiding your biscuits from Irma – a bit of protection never hurts. If you know what I mean.

Wells Fargo's Quality Street Strategy

Wells Fargo sound like a proper cowboy outfit suggests buying good quality companies. Like a decent pair of socks that don't get holes after one wear. Scott Wren says these companies can handle things better so that's a good thing. Buy quality is as good as 'Do it yourself' or 'You are on your own' kind of strategies. It always works out for me...

Risk? What Risk? (Probably Quite a Lot)

Nathan Hoyt says if you're losing sleep over the market you're doing it wrong. It's like when I tried to drive home using an armchair on top of my Mini – probably not the best idea. He says you should get your risk right like when I tried to make a sandwich with a firework – exciting but risky! Mitchell Goldberg agrees saying the market can drop any time for any reason. Like when I accidentally swapped my toothbrush with Mr. Wicket's – sometimes you just don't see it coming.

Gold and Shiny Things!

David Miller at Catalyst Funds says get some gold! Apparently it's like a good Teddy – always there for you. The American credit rating is down and the government is spending too much money. It seems no one knows how to save the money! Gold is like a good cup of tea after a long day; always a winner. Just like Teddy never change!