WHERE'S THE LAMB Sauce...AND MY PURSE! Homeland Security Secretary Robbed!

A Bloody Nightmare in D.C.!

Right listen up you donkey! I just heard about this absolute shambles in bloody D.C. Apparently the Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem had her purse nicked right under her nose while she was trying to have a peaceful dinner! Can you believe the audacity of some people? It's like serving a raw chicken – completely unacceptable!

Three Grand Gone! Are You Having a Laugh?

Sources say she had a whopping $3,000 in cash in that bag! $3,000! What was she planning buying a whole herd of lambs for a bloody Easter feast? She said she withdrew it to treat her family. Well someone else is having that treat now aren't they? I bet they're not even going to use it to buy decent ingredients!

Passport Makeup and Blank Checks Oh My God!

A passport! Blank checks! Her bloody makeup! This isn't just a robbery; it's a flipping identity crisis waiting to happen. And makeup? Please! If I found someone's makeup in a stolen purse I'd tell them it needs a bloody makeover! It's probably as bland as hospital food!

Medical Masked Bandit! A Soufflé of Suspicion!

The Secret Service footage shows some tosser in a medical mask snatching the bag! A medical mask are you serious? Probably trying to look innocent the sneaky git! It's all a load of bollocks. Next thing you know they'll be serving caviar with ketchup the disgrace!

Not Resolved Yet! Is it Raw?

When asked about it at the White House Easter Egg Roll Noem said it’s "not resolved yet." Well no sh*t Sherlock! Her purse is gone. It's like serving a risotto that's still crunchy! It needs fixing and fast! The Secret Service better get their act together before this turns into a complete disaster. And if that thief is watching you better give that purse back or you'll be hearing from me you donut!

Gordon's Final Thoughts: This is a Complete Disaster!

This whole thing is a bloody catastrophe! A high ranking official getting robbed in broad daylight? It's embarrassing! This city needs to get its act together! This whole situation is drier than a week old turkey sandwich. I'm telling you if I was running the city things would be different! Now where's the lamb sauce? I need a drink.