Greggs in Hot Water! Is the Sausage Roll Empire Crumbling Under the Sun?

Bloody Hell What's Going On at Greggs?

Right listen up you donut! I've just heard that Greggs yes Greggs the place that practically invented the sausage roll is having a bit of a mare. Apparently the UK heatwave has turned their profits into a soggy bottom. Shares are down 15%! 15 PERCENT! Are you taking the p*ss? I've seen better performances in a school cafeteria.

Too Hot for a Sausage Roll? You're Having a Laugh!

They're blaming the heat. The HEAT! So people are ditching their sausage rolls for… what? Iced lattes and salads? Since when did Britain become a nation of health freaks? Look I understand it's hotter than Satan's kitchen but a good sausage roll is for life not just for winter. Perhaps their pastries were so bad to begin with even I can tell you that sometimes they are so terrible you can taste freezer burn.

Mac & Cheese Gone Viral? More Like Gone Wrong!

I hear they're pushing this new Mac & Cheese offering. Mac & Cheese? At Greggs? What is this amateur hour? That's something I would expect at one of those dives on 'Kitchen Nightmares' before I'd expect it from a chain that built its name on simple bloody tasty (or at least they USED to be) pastries. It went viral did it? Probably because everyone was filming themselves spitting it out! "Oh my god I can't get the taste out of my mouth!!!".

Footfall Down? Time to Re evaluate You Donkey!

Footfall is down they say. Well maybe people are finally realizing that there's more to life than lukewarm sausage rolls and questionable Mac & Cheese. Inflation is biting wallets are squeezed and Greggs' 'value proposition' is losing its… well its value. Time to pull your finger out and remind people why they loved you in the first place. Start serving things fresh and hot! You would make customers think you cooked it weeks ago. You should give it to the customers for free!

Expansion? More Like Explosion of Mediocrity!

They're still planning to expand open 140 150 new shops this year? Are they insane? They can barely keep the existing ones afloat. Listen focusing on the essentials delivering quality and stop trying to reinvent the bloody wheel. I'm afraid if this keeps up you'll be hearing from me soon you donut! "Where's the lamb sauce!?!".

Wake Up Greggs! Or It's Game Over!

So Greggs you're feeling the heat are you? Well welcome to my kitchen. Now pull yourselves together sort out your menu and start serving food that doesn't taste like it's been sitting under a heat lamp since 1987. Otherwise you might just find yourselves on 'Kitchen Nightmares'. And trust me you don't want that.